My BB

I am mentally and emotionally unwell and it's mostly because of you. I am twisted because of how I see you now compared to all the years I have seen you before. Let me explain.

The way I see you is like this, You are such a close intimate friend, you are my protector at times, you are my shoulder to lean on, and my teacher full of genuine wisdom and knowledge. You are my true friend, and my bb. From the first time we met in that interview, we locked eyes and we have had such a fantastic connection since. We understand each other and I just have so much respect for you. Most importantly you were someone, maybe the only one I gave my trust.

The passion for life and fun and adventure that shines in me, it reflects in your eyes and we always smile because of it. We accept each other and our situations and genuinely care about the others well being. You are a gem in world full of sand. you hired me on at your job and gave me a chance no one else would have given me, and it will forever help me in my life. I am so thankful for you and I will always remember the helping hand you gave to me. Part 2 Then this is also how I see you now; you brought me onto a job to be your assistant and I helped you catch up on all your jobs that were such a mess and so far behind, I jumped in and gave you my all and you didn't even have the courage or respect for me to tell me what you were going to do, that you and everyone else planned on leaving, even When I knew something and kept asking you to tell me. I gave you all of me in every way. I put all of myself into the time we shared and in return I just feel that I was just a doormat. You gave me almost no notice. You let me go from the job and then you dipped, You don't even think about me anymore it seems. You barely keep your word, and yet I still tried my hardest to forgive you.

I was literally (maybe still am) having a literal identity crisis because of the way you completely ditched me and fucked me off. I was literally just deserted. Just dropped and I am not recovery right from the aftermath of this. I lost my job, my security, my coworker, My friend and someone I trusted and loved in one instant, Which in return made me completely lose who I am. I am so fucked up right now, I can't even trust myself because obviously I am such a fool.

It's like all those years I worked to get over all the fucked up things that happened to me as a child were just ripped away by you. I am so stupidly insecure. I fucking crave your attention and validation and affection so badly that it's become unhealthy. Especially since you don't have the same need for me. I am an extra in your story not a main character, someone you keep trolling behind "for a just in case" but you have become my addiction, it's like I fucking need you to feel better but you're the reason I am in so much turmoil in the first place and it's this vicious uncontrolled cycle that I am spinning in. My heart misses the connection it had with you. I know nothing about you or your moods anymore. We have severed the connection and the only thing left is this hallow empty static ache. It hurts. I am just so unwell, I am a wreck and I need to get it in my head that you are not the solver of my problems and you are not what I need to feel better. You are just a bandaid to a bullet wound you inflicted upon me. You are not what will heal me. I need to heal me. I need to put all the pieces of me back together and stop breaking off more pieces just to get a moment of your time.

You are not worth my sanity.

You are not worth my light that shines from me.

I cannot keep going like this or I am going to reach a place where I won't recover from. I honestly don't know if I will ever be whole again.

This will be so difficult for me because I am an addict and you have become my drug but I am going to try and stay away from you for awhile. And maybe we can come back to having our time together again once I've healed some and set some emotional boundaries because although you deserve my anger, and bitterness it's still not okay to treat you wrong. Nothing good comes out of being rude or hurtful and I don't want to ever be like that to you.

How am I supposed to hate the person who has done so much for me and been there every time I needed you and how can I forgive the person who betrayed me in such a horrible selfish and shitty way? why did you have to make me lose the last thread of faith I had in humanity? It wasn't right.

I am going to miss you and crave you and I will always still look up to you. A part of me hopes you fail with the crew that was good enough for you, Part of me says good luck, and the rest of me won't stop crying.