I shouldn't write this. I know I shouldn't, but I'm hoping it'll help anyways. I shouldn't put this here, but I just don't have the energy to hide behind a throwaway right now. I would reach out if I could, but I know I can't. I've tried that, along every channel I thought would reach you, but it's been silence for longer then it wasn't.

Things have gotten bad. As bad as they were two years ago when I broke and lost my connection to you, and in response everyone else. My life has become unthinkable, and I can only imagine everything you would say if you knew. And that's the point I think. I need that. I have a support system, and they are all wonderful people, but they're all looking out for my best interest, without taking into consideration who I am, and what doing what is right would do to me. But you, with your bottomless honesty, and your unwavering openness, I can almost hear you sarcastically laughing with a "What the fuck? (Along with an echo from your damned bird)" and unloading on me, not unsympathetically, but without bias.

And that's what I need. Because I'm so scattered right now. I don't have a tether. I'm not sleeping, and I can't stop walking. I can't be home again, but I can't be out. I'm hearing everyone's voices and opinions without truly understanding my own. I know eventually I'll end up towing the party line, and I'll tell myself it's right, and I will absolutely hate myself for it, just like I did when I lost you guys, being broken and unstable and listening to people who were only looking out for me without understanding that maybe everything was happening because I needed it to, and if I didn't mettle, things would have subsided.

I don't know about any of that though. I do know that I need you, and that isn't something I can have, so I have to figure out how to cobble something together for myself, which is how I got myself into the situations I'm in now. I do know that right now it's loud, and cold, you're the only person who ever understood me, because most people didn't struggle like we did. That it was just what we do.