At first I was nervous, nostalgic, sad, anxious.

Pretty much every emotion I could experience, I did. Lol

But, I had to look real deep. And, I mean REALLY deep.

It started with small thoughts.

For a long time it was torture sleeping on the same bed we made.

But is it really?

We picked it out, but I paid for it. Every dollar and you never offered a dime.

And...

How many times did I wait in bed for you to come home? How many times did I try to make this a warm home for you and you took it for granted?

This is MY bed.

Then, I thought about the home we made.

But did we really?

As I was putting in the effort to do projects around the house, buying things for our home, doing everything I can to make it a smooth transition for you to move in...you resisted every step of the way by your absence.

And...

You did nothing. You never moved in. You never followed through with your projects. You bought next to nothing for this home. How many times couldn't you come home bc you were too drunk or too busy chasing someone else?

This is MY home.

Then I thought about the love we made.

But did we really?

I was here the whole time saying I love you. I never rejected you while you were here. I was always showering you with affection, appreciation and support.

How many times in your emotional stupor did you say nasty things to me? How many times was I right here more than willing to work on anything and everything? Even when you tore my heart out I still cared enough to give advice NOT to get your heart broken? I even helped you along your career path. I did a lot behind the scenes.

We didn't love each other. I loved YOU. You made every action to make sure I felt no love and completely insignificant.

This was MY heartbreak, not yours.

I was the one who was traumatized, not you. I was the one in tears, not you. I was the one who truly wanted to make it work and make sure there was no misunderstanding even the 2nd time we started speaking.

I may be alone, but I was dead with you.

It's not easy, but I am no longer scared. Because all you left me with was pain and broken promises.

What am I really missing?

Perhaps nothing.

So...

Don't ever pick up that phone.

Don't ever drive by my house.

Don't ever speak about me.

I want no apologies or epiphanies.

Don't look my way.

Don't remember me...

Pretend I'm dead, it'll be no different than before.

I'm back and you will never be.

It's the only way I can live.

Good luck with your life and stay out of mine.