Ten years ago I had lost everything, the love of my life gave up on us, my best friend died in front of me, I lost 4 million dollars, everything I had...

The person I was dissappeared into drugs and liquor..cocaine and a bottle of whiskey were my only friends..I took pills to kill my thoughts, my life didn't matter to me at all..

I started building back my money but I felt alone..and most of the time I spent months in hotels in places I knew nothing about by myself.. I saw you on Facebook while I was in Atlanta I think, you were beautiful and I won't lie that's the reason I followed you at first.

You posted a lot, pictures and videos, I loved your voice, it always made me smile. Over time I learned more about you, your huge heart, your love for animals, art..I admired you, I wanted to support you, to see you accomplish your dreams, I knew you would even way back before we ever spoke.

Even before we were friends you helped me feel less alone in the world..it took me years to even consider talking to you, I didn't know what I could ever offer you. But I always felt like we would get along.

I was in New York the first time I sent you a message, you replied, I don't remember what it was it was so long ago..

Later you started instagram and patreon and all that and I was happy to be able to support you, because I've always believed in you. And I messaged you more and I felt so comfortable talking with you that sometimes I maybe said too much or said what I shouldn't.

Understand I don't trust people..and when I do, and when I care about them I have real trouble holding back anything. Words or emotions, as you know by now. And you trusted me too. You shared a lot of your thoughts , and life with me and I appreciate everything .

I'm sorry I betrayed your trust..you did nothing wrong..when I blocked you I was very sad...and I didn't want to bother you..I wanted to talk about it..it wasn't about the past this time..but I know it bothered you and I hate being a bother...and in my sadness and anxiety it made perfect sense to just block you so I wouldn't be tempted to bother you. I regretted it instantly..

You didn't know this, but a lot of times in the past 10 years you have literally saved my life. I've had my gun in my hand and just randomly said hi or anything to you and we'd talk a little and you would remind me the world isn't so bad..more times than I'd like to admit. And when I was dying in the hospital you always checked on me..when I didn't post something for a few days you'd ask if I was ok..

You're my best friend and you probably didn't even know..or thought I was kidding when I say ir. But it's true.

I love everything about you, you're amazing. I don't know if I've ever said that. I love having you as my friend Cassi.

Don't worry I'm not hitting on you or anything, I've never even considered thinking of you as more than a friend honestly.

I've known since the beginning I was the opposite of the type of people you wanted or needed in your life. I drank, a lot, drugs, all things you disapprove of I did.

You always told me to love myself..to find help, to take care of myself...to be a better person. I never listened even though I know you've always been right and I should have listened...

I finally met the person who made me listen...who made me want to be alive...she told me to stop drinking and drugs..and I haven't touched either thing since..

The night of the 28th I had a party at my home ..lots of people it gave me anxiety..it was my friends birthday and I said it was OK but everyone kept trying to pressure me to drink, and do cocaine and I said no thanks. They said I was bringing the mood down....

I got angry I got into a fight, threw the cocaine in the pool, broke the liquor bottles told everyone I was the one who paid for everything and they could all get the fuck out of my house..when everyone was gone I was sad and my anxiety was making me have a panic attack. I talked to Emma about everything, and I said some dumb shit and I made her cry and she yelled at me that I needed help or she couldn't stay ..

.and after I heard her crying my name I made an appointment that day...she said everything was fine hut then she didn't talk to me for 20 hours...I got sad and blocked her and that's when I wanted to talk to you but I was afraid to bother you..so I did the stupid thing I did.

I'm going to get better cass..for me..for her, and especially for you..because you've been trying to make me see that I needed to change for so long and I never listened..to my best friend ..

I want you to be proud of me..I've always been so proud to call you my friend..and now I don't know if we'll ever talk again..but I'll always support you and your art. I miss you 😢