When we first met 7 years ago we showered each other with attention and affection.

That didn't grow stale 6 years later.

And you haven't stopped yet. I did. I'm so sorry. You show up every morning with a smile and excitement ready to brighten my day. I crumple in bed afraid to face the world and wishing it would all stop.

I could blame the things we weathered together and the role I had to take to protect you, our daughter, myself and the wrong people who I turned to to help me be the strong one.

The responsibility was so much it physically disabled me.

That's all true. You still take care of me. I haven't even been able to be emotionally there. I'm not sure, with you physically next to me but asleep, why everything turned on like a switch for me but it was a damn shock. I need you in my life babe but I need to be the person who I was before we had to fight both our families when we came out and everything else.

All I do is exist these days and it's not enough for all you do to keep everything together. You understand. You don't criticize or blame. I want to make you smile. I feel the safety again and the love. I feel...things again after shutting down for so long.

I hope it lasts beyond tonight. I'm gonna send this soon I promise because you need to know that I am still here. It's like..as young as I am all the trauma started some emotional dementia that left me a husk except for online and even then I was just a haphazard mess.

I wasted so much time and I need you to know that you are loved valued and tomorrow during our special day and afterwards I'll work my hardest to show you that.

I love you my beautiful wife.