I played a live gig for the first time in...god I can't even remember.

It wasn't anything like it used to be, just me and some local musicians I met recently covering classics and nostalgia numbers. But it felt like it used to be. I'm 3 years away from 30 and was still the youngest of the group.

But then I thought of you. And among the Clapton, BOC, Iron Butterfly and everything else, I just...played the riff and fell into space.

I was there, and I was also home.

On a stage and under your throne. And at the same time, playing that Dishwalla number put me in the future we now may never have, in LA playing it for You at Sinister or Lash.

I asked the crowd to tell me all their thoughts on God, cause I'd really like to meet her.

I thought I had met You, but a Goddess by necessity is capable of severity and mercy in equal parts. But I'm not here to pontificate about Kabbalah again

I'm just faced with the reality that a worshipper who pledged themselves to Your service is by necessity subject to both extremes.

The love, the purity and the feelings of peace that come when you get picked out of the crowd to be held, to rest, to be finished and to feel. To be loved and cared for. I miss most of all just..resting my head on your leg with a dumb idiotic grin on my face. You called an adorable dork so many times. Did you ever know that it's because I felt so safe? That I always had. That...you had given me everything I needed to lay down my fears, take the plunge and trust someone with complete and total vulnerability.

Maybe in the past I'd have been able to show such relaxation and devotion to just about anyone, but I doubt it.

Your gifts were given honestly and genuinely, of Your own free will, so taking them away is fair game I guess. You took them all.

You made me ask who I was. You did everything you used to do as my Domme only you did it to break me with no intention of fixing me. Even when you were hitting me non consensually you never went there, to my indoctrination and brainwashing triggers. Even when you had good reason to be angry, even when you couldn't control that anger, you never did.

I figured if it ever happened, I would have to behave monstrously and sociopathically toward you. That I'd have to have done something..beyond words to earn that kind of retribution.

But you did it...when things were *good*. These past 3 months or so of you making every nightmare of mine come true and taking away everything that kept me okay, withholding the care while you used all the cathartic play triggers, then setting the seal on it all...what happened before that?

We were actually great. Better than we ever had been, you said. It scared you, you said that too.

When you get scared you lash out, I know this. Usually it's a couple hours of raking me over the coals and berating me before calling and apologizing. I know the drill and in fact I helped you through one a week before you started this.

That's why it had to be like this, wasn't it. You had to...it couldn't just be something I knew would pass because I was your safe person, right? It had to be..you had to see if I could hate you, if I could..what it would take for me to leave.

I'd like to think that was the reason. It's the only thing keeping me anywhere resembling sane after all this. And that's a stretch. But I lose it all and completely live inside my head all day when I am confronted with the reality you may have just wanted to hurt me so I'd leave. That yeah, it was deliberate and elaborate but that hurting me never figured into the emotional realm for you. That you didn't care how badly it took me apart, as long as it worked.

That's what you wanted me to believe with how you handled everything. It was so out of character for you.

​

So I'm left with all these questions, I'm left with all this damage.

I wake up every day knowing you know, hoping you care, hoping I cross your mind, hoping I can shed bloody tears on the doorstep as you take me apart. I'll always love you Goddess, but the way You destroyed me made me realize that if I can still love someone after all of this, that it's more than enough for the average, intoxicating for the intellectuals, and..probably scary as fuck too. Not in a bad way. In a good way. For You. Because it's a license to be unapologetically, truly yourself around me without fear of reprisal or consequences. That you behave this way with such a license, hurt me in ways you at least admitted nobody deserved..is probably why you wanted me away. Because you hate what you see yourself do with a love you can never self sabotage or destroy. Just as my submission was complete and total in a way I never did before, for anyone, so too was Your true self. And I think you hate what you see in the mirror. And that as pure as we are with each other, I was pretty damn reflective. I hid nothing from you, thus you saw the impact of everything you did.

While I was willing to endure all of it just so I could be with You again, You had other plans.

You figured You would take me to a place where I was the perfect mirror for everything You hated about Yourself, and then You would shatter it into a million pieces.

That there was a soul and a heart there was irrelevant because You only saw Yourself.

I was a way for You to make sure You didn't hurt Your next person like You hurt me.

In the end, I was a means to an end. You may come back one day and fix this. I know You may eventually feel remorse.

But I can't help but fear that when You do, I'll always wonder if it's because you realized everything or because...You fucked up again somehow and need to fix Yourself. Whether I'll be patched up just enough to get shattered again.

Am I very far now?

I love you, Goddess M. No matter what you do to me, however long, I always will. You may be able to control almost everyone and everything in Your life but I will never stop seeing the best of You because of how damn good of a parent, partner, and person I've seen You be. You can be as kind as You can cruel, as healing as destructive, as protective as hurtful, as passionate as apathetic.

You earned this by being the best version of Yourself You could be. And even if I (likely) never hear from You again I refuse to let Your issues and Your pain take that away. I stand here a tribute to everything perfect, wonderful, intricate, and magical that You can be. That I know you will be. That You, deep down under everything...

Are.

The beauty of the true You deserves nothing less. And the fact is, I've now seen the worst version of You, the absolute cruelest and most capricious You've ever been. And I came away still loving You. Yes, 7 days ago my protector alter made me go NC with you from the pain. I can deal with selfish, hurtful apathy from most people but... if what You did made things tough, it was impossible to..have normal conversation with You after all that, as if You..had no inner conflict or care. So I had to go, but even after all that, it never changed.

I hope You're trying to find that self again. And I hope when You do, You reach back and offer a hand.

Or a boot heel. That would be fine too. I would be cool with that.

I guess I really needed to get that out, something tells me you'll read this one way or another.

​

Go fix yourself, Mistress. Please.