You don't remember me, but 4,383 days ago at 3:05am, I gave birth to you.

A decade of birthdays ago was the last one we celebrated together. You turned two that day. That was 3,653 days ago.

3,411 days ago, I last saw you. You were beautiful. You were a perfect angel with a sunshower of golden curls framing your cherubim face, wet with tears. Yours and mine.

I told you I loved you, and I said goodbye, but just for now. Just for a moment. I promised you I would get better.

And I did. I kept my promise. And your dad may never see the changes in me, but I don't need him to any more. I don't need anyone to validate those changes any more, because I know they happened.

3,378 days ago, I stopped using drugs. And I've spent the last 3,411 days missing you, loving you, making myself better for you, wondering what you grew into. Wondering if you love video games like your oldest brother, or if you have your other brother's offbeat style and humor. Wondering if you love music like we do, or if you are happy. Or if you feel loved. Or if you feel like I left you on purpose.

I didn't. I promise, I've tried to be back in your life for 3,411 days. I've never stopped trying, and I never will.

What happened 1,743 days ago? Was that the day you learned to ride a bike? How many days ago did you go to kindergarten for the first time? How many days since you graduated second grade? What kind of man are you becoming?

Today you leave the land of childhood and enter the no-man's land of tweendom. I wonder what you love, what you hate, who you like, how your friends treat you. I wonder who you are now as you stand on the cusp of manhood.

And still I love you, every moment, every day. And still I miss you, every moment, every day.

3,411 days. Nearly a decade of one-day-at-a-time days. That was the last time I saw you.

I'm counting the days until I can see you again. I always have been. And I always will be, until I do.

I love you, my baby boy. Even if I cannot tell you, I hope some day you know how loved you are. This is the most difficult thing I've ever written, because this is the most difficult thing I've ever felt.

Happy birthday, my baby. I love you so much. Mommy loves you so, so much. I didn't give up on me. Please, please don't give up on me.