Dear You,

​ My stomach is in knots writing these words - even though I know you'll probably never see this. Although, I wouldn't even be on reddit if it weren't for you... so maybe. Who knows. Do you remember when you used to say to me, "I would never have started smoking if it weren't for (my full name)." I don't why, but I still think about that a lot. You don't smoke anymore. I do. I still don't care enough about myself to stop. I'm working on it. It feels harder now. But I still think about quitting everyday. I haven't given up on myself yet.

​ It's been 180 days since we last spoke. 5 months since you said those last words to me on the phone, speaking in a tone I hardly recognized. It's been 26 weeks of silence between the person I felt closest to; someone I felt like I’ve known my whole life. (The day is still so clear because it was right after our best friend's birthday.) It's still overwhelming when I stop and take a breath to think about it. I know we were all kinds of fucked up. I put you through the wringer for years - with all my emotional outbursts and the drunk fights I initiated, that always seemed to put you directly in the crossfire. I hope you know by now, that was never you. That was always me. You never did anything wrong. Those are the hardest moments for me to look back on... because it's just so obnoxiously obvious to me now how all of that stemmed from my resistance; the relentless resistance I held onto so tightly against acceptance. I couldn't accept our relationship for what it was - a deep, genuine, and platonic friendship - nothing more. And I made you suffer because of it, every single day. The truth is, all those insecurities I always had about our friendship, I think was because I refused to look at our relationship as just a friendship. Even despite how transparent and straightforward you constantly were with me in your intentions. You never made me believe our relationship was anything more than just best friends. That's the hardest part for me now I think, looking back at all of it and seeing just how clearly of a good friend you were to me. You made an effort to hold onto our friendship, even after knowing I had feelings for you. I know the majority of guys wouldn't do the same. I took that for granted, and I know it's something I'll have to live with for the rest of my life. You went out of your way to still stay close to me, but I continuously broke your trust by going against my word, over and over.

​ I remember at the end - I think it might have even been in that last phone call? Honestly, that conversation felt like it flashed before my eyes and when I look back at it now, it feels like such a blur - but remember you said to me, "Your words are just words. They don't mean anything anymore." I still think about that daily. Maybe you were right, in that this "viscous cycle" would never have stopped if you didn't cut communication with me completely. It breaks my heart to think that, because I meant every word I said in my intention of making things right. When you got back from your trip - a year of phone calls and voice messages, that honestly reminded me of why we were such close friends - it felt like home again.

​ You know, for the most microscopic period of time, part of me actually hoped our friendship would be something more - even despite the most obvious reason it would never work. But after that very first talk we had - you know, after New Years (one of the first of my many fuckups) - I truly meant every single word I said to you after I picked you up and we talked on the dyke. And from that day on, I think it was over 4 years ago now, I have literally prayed to whatever higher power I believe in that my feelings for you would go away. You know how much I love superstitions and shit like that (I know, stuff you typically find stupid), but every wish I ever made was to not feel the way I do about you. Every birthday candle I ever blew and every shooting star I ever saw, I wished the genuine love I grew for you would remain strictly platonic. I wished that I would get over this feeling, because I was never willing to lose you as a friend. I hated feeling the way I did so much more than any of the romantic feelings I felt like I had no control over. And I hated myself for it - mostly because how aware I was of all the damage my feelings were causing, but I still didn't know how to move past it. "I can't be your emotional punching bag or emotional crutch anymore." I don't think I'll ever be able to get those words out of my head.

​ Now, fast forward to the present day, I'm on the other side of the world living in a different country, and I can only wonder where you are. It's been really hard for me with our friends. Keeping in touch, I mean. I know they have nothing to do with this, but every time I talk to them, I feel shame run through my body because of what I broke. The omission of your name in every conversation, so unnatural it's almost discordant. It breaks my heart how they act like you’re dead when speaking to me, as if they fear saying your name will leave me bursting into tears. I even had someone apologize to me once for bringing up your name. It fucking sucks. You're not dead to me. I still care about you and how you're doing. I still wonder how your family is, and what exciting things you're planning next. I think about asking all the time... but then I also think about how clear your words were back in May, telling me that you don't want to talk to me anymore, and that you know I'll respect your decision. When you said to me, "This doesn't mean I don't want to be friends anymore... I just don't think we should talk right now." I'm not gonna lie, it fucked me up pretty good. I didn't know what to do with that, and how to move forward from it. I was confused by the ambiguity, and I sat with it for months before finally realizing that there wasn't going to be an end-date for all of this. After I finally moved and got settled into my new place, that was when it really started to sink in. I was still so angry with you. Just fucking pissed off that you made an executive decision for the both of us - replaying through my mind how those last words were a conversation about a decision you had already made. It didn't help that I was about to make the biggest transitional period of my life, so I think my ego magnified that pain because I was so scared to make this move without the comfort of your support. It felt harsh and cold, and the worst part is, I know I have absolutely no right to be angry with you... because I actually understand.

​ I still think about it all the time and try to reflect on why you did what you did. And honestly, I keep coming back to the same realization - I can't be upset with you for making a decision that I made you feel like was the only option left to take. I get it. You needed to break the cycle for me, because I failed time after time in giving you a reason to believe I could actually do it myself. What else could you have done? It's honestly been the hardest thing for me to realize and accept, but I can finally see clearly enough to understand why you did it. This is the part where I want to apologize – for all of it. For all the damage I caused. Everything broken I could never fix. Because it was my side that needed fixing; always my shit that needed sorting. But no I’m sorry’s ever held any weight then, so I don’t expect one to now. It doesn’t change the past. Nothing does. I know that. But waking up with the heavy feeling of remorse - sitting deep there in the pit of my stomach - is just something I’m learning to living with now.

​ You told me something once that has always stuck with me - “If you can learn to be comfortable with feeling uncomfortable, there isn’t much you can’t do.” I feel that more than ever now. Not having you in my life has been the most uncomfortable feeling I’ve ever experienced. “You can’t have your cake and eat it too.” Do you remember that one too? I always wondered exactly what you meant; never failing to hold the words with such conviction, whether through a mischievous smirk or serious state. Even though, I think we both knew all along.

​ "I honour within you the place of love, of light, of truth, of peace; when you are in that place in you, and I am in that place in me, there is only one of us" --- Gandhi

​ ​ Love,

​ Just a bro that misses his best friend.