I’ve been thinking about writing this for awhile, basically whenever I see this thread, and I feel like now is the time because I have a date on Tuesday.

I think I really wanted to be more than what we were. I feel like friends with benefits was a good term for us because we were actually friends. Every time I would go over to your house, we would hookup and then talk for hours and it was so nice to have someone to talk to about everything again. I would genuinely look forward to going over to spend time with you, which is how I later on knew I liked you. You asked me one time if I had caught feelings and I told you no. I’m genuinely not sure if that was the truth or not because I much later realized that I had. Luckily (and unluckily) for me, that realization happened after you were gone.

I think what really did me in was our car ride across the state because all we the entire time was talk. I’m so glad I met someone who likes to talk as me because there wasn’t any uncomfortable silence for the whole 5 hours or so. I learned so much about you, which was great because you rarely opened up to me and when you did I took every bit of information that I could. All of my drives now pale in comparison, especially when I’m alone the entire time.

When you came back to visit it was so good. I thought it might be awkward, but we swung into our same routine so quickly and it just reinforced to me how good we were. I wish I had spent more time with you that weekend but we both have responsibilities. I looked forward to that weekend for two months. I cleaned my whole house, and my roommates even knew when you were coming and made sure to be away. All of my friends were hyping me up for that weekend and I had to keep telling them to stop because I was nervous you wouldn’t want to see me, because I overthought everything like I always do.

Every time I hook up with someone else, I compare them to you in my head. It doesn’t come up in a way that’s extremely obvious, I just am reminded of little things you would do that this person doesn’t because they don’t know me like you do. It’s happened consistently with multiple people and the sex isn’t as good for me because my mind is somewhere else during it. It’s so fucking annoying. Maybe it’s because of a lack of emotional connection or interest or literally anything, but I just want to find someone I feel as comfortable with.

You were the first person that treated me like more than a hookup. You always walked me out and split the cost of ubers with me. Always kissed me after, when we were just laying in bed. Complimented me genuinely, not just saying things all the time but when they were warranted. Let me cuddle with you and talk to you instead of immediately going to sleep. You were real with me, gave me hard advice, warranted or not. You told me real opinions you had, observations you had made, and I think about them so often. Our banter was great, you never let me get away with a mean joke without making one about me. Everything was so good with you but I have to get it through my head that that was never going to be enough.

I need a relationship. I need to not worry about if I seem needy or care about playing everything cool. I fucking hate games. I want people to be straight with me and tell me when they want me to come over, not just text me and talk about being back in town and blah blah blah. What we had was good for the time being but it’s over and I need to let go of what I wished we had been. I’m going to try to start dating, like actually dating, people now. If I feel like the emotional connection we had is what made the sex better, then maybe I need to be in a relationship the next time I have sex with someone. I’m just going to take things slow and try to stop thinking about you every time someone does or says something.

Goodbye.