Today I need to let this out, today I understand that there will never be a perfect letter that is mature in every angle, today I'll simply let this be for what it has to be: my story, my side, my learnings, my firm belief of not letting you in my life ever again.

To say you broke every hope and dream, every speck of trust in love, in others would be an underestimate of the damage you cause, the havoc and destruction you left. All the pain I went through, that my family and dear friends went through cannot be measured and trust me it is not forgotten. To make you happy, I bend so much that I shattered into pieces and yet you did not stay. Everyone knows, including your family, you are the one to blame for me hitting rock bottom. No one understood, not even you, why you chose to end a perfectly happy love story out of the blue.

Time has been wise and soothing with me, it has not been easy but I came out the other side stronger than I thought. You see, when you lose everything you have to lose, there is not much left to be scared of, there is no way you can go except up. I learned that is ok not to have a partner, that solitude does not mean loneliness, that I'm ok the way I am, that people really love me for the good that I bring to their lives, that one chooses to be a winner if you learn from what life throws at you, that I was never the bargain you said I was, and that you were the one throwing all your shortcomings, doubts, flaws and mistakes at me, and I took them as my own.

With time, I understood that I was morning who you were not who you are now, that no matter how much I wanted it, the man I had loved and I would have given my life for was gone. Emotionally it felt like I went from happily married with potential children to a widow, to a mother that lost her children and husband in a horrific car accident.

After all, I even tried to make amends, until that October. That day despite the pain and the panic attack, I manage to make the firm decision to get you out of my life. After finally seeing you were with another girl, and eventually learned they were several, it hit me and gave me the courage to put a stop, to build a hard wall between you and me. I blocked you from everything I could, I demanded you not to contact me, to finally let me go and never think of us. I was done. Something you were always scared of, something you did not want to happened, came true. I told you before our story began, once I make the decision to forget, there is no way back, there is nothing you could do to make me love you back.

It was hard, but I did it. Most of the time when I think of you, I pity you, because I know you are not happy despite you try to appear that way. The sad truth is you cannot be alone, you cannot escape yourself, all that you don't like about you, all the chains you drag. Other times, I'm angry at you for all the mess you did, for all the consequences I had to go through that I still live on, for all the times you have contacted me despite telling you to fuck off. And fewer times, I´m just scared of you, that I have to deal with you again when I don't want to, that you will try to get under my skin and I feel disgusted just to think of it.

A while ago we locked eyes after several months of severing you from my life. I was writing to my penpals while sitting next to the man I love. I felt my stomach drop and my heart beating faster. I looked down my cellphone and refuse to look at you. But for the brief moment we look at each other, I saw you with her, I saw you sad and tired.

Yes, I know you have a girlfriend, despite you kept telling me you could not have one because you were confused. [Funny right, how lies always come back to bite you] And I just beg to God you don't make her go through the shit I went for you. She blindly adores you, I've been told, something I never did. You have cheated on her, I've been told as well. Don't crush her. Don't be a dick. I don´t know her but no one deserves your fucking circus and chamber of torture. I don't miss you one bit, I miss your family, I know they care about me even today. Out of respect for your new relationship is that I cut ties with them. It's bad enough your new girlfriend has to fight with my ghost, let alone put her in the position to deal with real me still around. I really hope you learn to love truly and from the heart, that you fight and win over the demons that drag you down. But what I really hope is that you get the fuck away from me once and for all.

Yours never again,

C.