I think we met each other at the worst point in our lives in one of honestly the worst yet somehow simultaneously the best places to meet someone at, only because I met you. I went to a meeting tonight in a different city away for work again this week. There was a couple both in who had just gotten married. I thought of you. I'm probably delusional, I most likely am delusional but I just can't bring myself to believe I'm actually delusional even though on paper I can objectively look at this whole whatever and say I'm delusional, yet like everything else I can't actually believe I'm delusional about this yet I can intellectualize it.

I guess what fucks with me is my own actions in all of this. We started talking and I just had an unusual sense of peace and like someone was able to get me out of my shell and the dark part that I was truly in. Then I wanted more. I wonder if I hadn't reacted the way I did that first time seeing you after I sent that fucking request if things would be a bit different. See I saw something with you. You were calling out that fucking name I hate being called in such a good damn cute way in front of everyone that I was so utterly petrified with fear that I acted fucking cold. I didn't even realize that's what I had done until quite a bit afterwards. I shouldn't have been that way but I was truly so scared of how you would react to me sending that out of nowhere that I just froze. The even sadder part is from day one that I meant you I thought you were so good damn beautiful. I remember one night you had said that you're still not pretty enough yet but you were working on it. I don't remember what you had said before that but i do know that I wanted to smack the shit out of you... Not really but just kind of ask you what the fuck is wrong with you. Maybe I should have.

I remember another time where you were talking about how fraudulent you were and I thought about my fraudulent shit. I had literally kept going to that place for about two months or so hoping I'd see you. Kind of fucked right? In a sense you really were a big part in me getting this far. I remember the one time you did hang out with me and we were talking after. This one really fucks with me. I almost feel like I was supposed to kiss you that night. But I didn't. I had just told you one of my darker secrets and honestly just hated myself. Then I tried asking you to hang out a few more times and you just gave it a maybe that became a no. Then you'd send mixed signals. IDK, I guess I just thought you wanted something too. But I think back and can say I wanted something I just wasn't ready for emotional. Otherwise I would have done some of it different. I guess I wonder if you feel the same too. I wonder if when you said I don't know what the future may bring actually meant something to you. I've been given that line before and it ended bad for me, but I can look a bit objectively and say I probably had a part in it. I wonder if I hadn't started hanging out with her after you said that if things would be different. The shit part is while I was hanging out with her I wished it was you so I didn't make a move on her either which I don't even regret.

I wish I didn't keep bugging you. It's like I wonder if I actually helped you as much as you helped me. I saw it sometimes so I probably did I just didn't see it at the time. It's like, my heart and soul wants to wait and see what happens, completely willing to hurt myself again to see you move on with someone else if for just the chance that something happens only because I think I actually have real feelings for you as a person but my head just doesn't want to deal with that fucking pain again. Of waiting for someone that I could just be a fly on the wall to but just mean a lot to. I know these emotions haven't gone away yet and I've tried everything but drinking or weeding (?) them away and since that really isn't an option for me anymore I guess it's just something I need to either wait on it to pass or something to happen. I don't know I acted entirely out of character with you which fucks with me even more. Ive never been that aggressive to just get to know someone more. To want to take it so slow so bad but to just take it. Maybe you wanted things faster or not at all. I guess I don't know. I don't know if I ever will. Yet I still feel it. I have never been this way with anyone. You're worth it. I just don't know how I'm going to come out of this and it scares the shit out of me. I hope you're okay and I hope you find happiness. I'd like to think it'd be with me but I question whether or not I could even do that. Maybe I should stop that. I think I'll be fine but damn. You woke something up... That I just have not felt in a long fucking time if I ever felt it bebere.