Where do I begin?

I'll start with, I love you both very much. So much that I am terrified of disappointing you. I'm sorry I don't tell you what is going on with my life. I am just so scared of how you will react. Every time you pull me up on my mistakes I crumple into a ball and let you defeat me mentally and emotionally.

Am I just overreacting like you say I am? Is my anxiety even real? I won't deny that you have done everything for me in this life but the sad truth is, your words over the years have scarred me. I'm petrified of being my own person because I know it's not what you had planned for me. I am so scared of opening up to both of you...

Mum, sometimes I think that you hate me. The way you don't listen to what I have to say, even if it's just normal conversation. You brush me off because you have more important things to worry about like raising my siblings and taking care of the house. I'm sorry I don't help you enough but I do as I am told.

Dad... I'm just sorry. Sorry for everything. Sorry we don't really have a relationship. What do we have except small-talk? I find it so hard to strike up a conversation at the right time. You're always so busy and I don't ever blame you for it. You're just trying to provide for our big family. We all appreciate your hard work.

You both tell me that as the eldest I have the most responsibility. But no one warned me that I was going to go through this much struggle trying to find my way through early adulthood. I am finding it so hard to gain that freedom that I crave to be the person I want to be. It may not be that you are physically holding me back, but it's the constant berating I received growing up that has made me fear independence from you both.

I have found a person I am so happy with. We are in love and I can't share this joy with you because he is not the person you had envisioned for me. I hate hiding him from you. I hate that you have put me in a position where I have had to choose between him and you. Why can't you accept him? Why can't you accept me and my decisions?

Sometimes I feel like I will never been completely free of your judgements and prejudices and it breaks my heart. I can't ever be the person you want without killing everything about myself in the process. I love you both and you say you love me... so why am I so petrified of even getting up the guts and speaking openly to you?

Forgive me,

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