I'm glad you and mom decided to have me, most days. I miss you.

Mom is a lot more understanding than I realized when you were alive. I wish that I could actually tell her everything that has happened to me but I can't. She would tell me I'm okay and everything but I don't want her to be sad about the things that she can't change. I'm trying not to be sad about the things that I can't change but it's difficult. Acknowledging that things happened to me and life goes on isn't easy.

I stopped writing in my diary about a year ago, for the most part. I had an entry back in June and then I hid it somewhere and I don't remember where. Maybe my car. Maybe my dresser.

I'm really struggling because I simultaneously feel I can and can't do more with my life. I feel like I'm smart and hardworking enough to do more, but that I can't find the opportunity to do it, and that I did have the opportunity to do it when I was in medical school and blew it. But you and mom made a difference in the world without being doctors so I think I can too.

I kind of wish that random people would just come out of the woodwork and say things like "your dad was awesome, he did [blah blah blah]" but I just have mom and grandpa and your brothers and I feel like I talk about you around them more than they talk about you, or that we just don't really talk about you at all.

I think you would have liked Ryan. Maybe not Brian. You might have liked Brandon. Anyway Ryan treats me better than Brian and I love him in a way that I didn't love Brandon so that's what matters anyway I figure.

A lot of the time I think I'm happy and a lot of the time I'm not.

I wish you were still here.