I used to have walls...walls around emotions, feelings, my heart, my innermost self. Not those little pussy walls most people claim to have mind you, but 3 feet thick of solid titanium encased in lead. I don't know why they originally went up, I do know that at a very early age I decided that my motto was going to be, "I just don't give a fuck", so perhaps the walls were just to help me realize the potential that that little mantra holds. Never once were my walls ever threatened, I was confident, and cold, didn't really give a fuck about anyone in particular or anything either, never stuck around one place too long, never made or kept friends in the every day sense, didn't need them.

Until ONE day..I met a girl...she wasn't ordinary..in that she fought back..and I enjoyed that. We got to know eachother..very well over the course of many years..little by little my walls came crumbling down...and trust was formed..to the point where all my darkest secrets weren't a secret to her..and neither hers to me. Mind you I have never trusted anyone, mother, brother, sister, cousin, friend, teacher, counselor, whatever..no one..(side note : I never will again).

So I trusted her..with all my heart, my soul, my feelings/emotions, my innermost self. I learned what it meant to love someone unconditionally..to desire someones company to the point where you lose sleep and days at a time just lost in eachother..to NEED someone..when she wasn't there it felt hard to breath..as the walls came down..things started happening..I wasn't the same. In some ways I was better..more open..more honest..more willing to try and fail. In other ways..it was hell..things that I never let affect me in the past suddenly rushed back in to attack my mind in its vulnerable state.. suddenly I cried..suddenly I felt fear..suddenly I knew what it was to be ALONE..when always alone was my favorite thing now it was the worst feeling I ever felt..now I FELT things!

...My moods became unstable..my behavior erratic..and for a time..she held my hand and walked me through the worst attacks..the times I was paralyzed on the floor and couldnt breath she helped me remember how to...she put up with it for so long, I don't know how..but finally..after all the bad times I put her through, all my selfish, rude, idiotic outbursts that hurt her..she couldn't take it anymore..and she left me..noone can blame her for that..she stayed longer than anyone ever would.

But when she left..no one else..was in my trust..I couldn't tell them that this was happening..it got worse. I've been slowly slipping away from my sanity..dropping down into this darkness and it has been months since I have seen any semblance of light, or life. It is just cold and lonely, and dark..and I see no exit sign. My walls..they are gone..and so is my pride, my confidence, my strength, my love..my heart, my soul..my warmth, my happiness...the light of my eyes that was so bright with her here...

But she is gone..we are not even friends, she said it would be best if we never spoke again..it's been two weeks. The most prominent thought in my mind since then has been ending my life...not because of her..but because of a million things..I can't handle everyday things anymore. I miss her, and I don't think anyone would ever understand. Not even her. But I will always love her, and I will never give my heart to someone else again..