Miss someone as much as I miss you right now.

Time and again the thoughts flutter in my mind, how none of this makes any sense whatsoever. Of course, many people have told me "love isn't logical, it doesn't follow rules" but the truth of the matter is that I saw us happy. I saw that glimmer of happiness in your eyes even in the weeks prior to our falling out.

Happiness. You even said you weren't happy. I don't know if it was to spite me or to just get me to get off your back. But that one was the one that struck the most. You said you weren't happy with me, but everything points otherwise, doesn't it? I catered to your every need. I was there when you even doubted yourself to be strong enough to stand. I never made myself scarce. I told you I was willing to walk to the ends of the earth for you.

Then there's the argument of how everything happened so quickly. How we became a couple a month after we started seeing each other. How we talked about moving together, about living together, about getting married, all within the first two months. My theory still stands, that all of that pressure (you even said it, two months in you felt like you were in a one year-old relationship), coupled with the very dire situation in the place we live, your issues with your mother and my own trust issues probably blew up everything. In my mind I want to believe that you just need some time to figure out things. Because it just doesn't make sense, N. It doesn't make sense that you shove me away and say that you were unhappy when I did everything you said a "perfect boyfriend" could. You said it was like we were meant for each other. It was uncanny and maybe even overwhelming how true that is (or was)

Sometimes I even resent myself. Because after all that I've suffered these past two weeks, after your coldness and your bitterness at me, after all the sleepless nights (I even dreamed of you recently) I'd be willing to take you back, in an instant.

Deep inside, I know we're meant for greater things.