When I was in the depths of despair and the worst time of my life, you were my only hope. You were that small glimmer that kept me going. I wrote you letters like this every single night and sent them to myself to just get my feelings down on paper. I always dreamed that one day we would read them together. I dreamed that we would be together and that it would all work out.

Of course that was my fantasy. I didn't consider you as a person and what you might want. I worshipped you as an idea. If I had just told you. If I had just took that moment in your house and gave you that kiss which would have let you know. However, I was too afraid. I was worried about rejection of course, but more than that I was worried about how it would make you feel. I imagined how it might have put you in a position of having to reject me. You would have to look a friend in the face and say I'm sorry I don't see you that way. I didn't want you to have to do that. You are far too kind and gentle a soul to have to hurt someone like that. I remember writing once that you had a quality about you that made the whole room light when you were happy and storm clouds to gather when you were sad. You wore your heart on your sleeve and I loved that about you. I didn't want to have to see you sad. I didn't want to see you have to make the hard choice of telling me no, and see the clouds gather when your face dropped.

So instead I kept you as a dream. I loved the idea of you instead of the real you. I loved this fantasy and that fantasy kept me going. Then I would decide that I needed to detox from you. I would drop out of a conversation and leave it. When you didn't text me for days I assumed I made the right decision. Then you would call to see how I was doing and I would fall in love with you all over.

If I had more patience it would have worked out. My dreams would have been fulfilled. However, I couldn't wait anymore. It was killing me. I set out to find someone else. Because you were too beautiful, too sweet, and too smart too settle for someone in my situation. I was stuck and I couldn't keep torturing myself with you.

I only found out you wanted me too after the fact. I only found out years later when I had settled with another love. I settled with the love I found to forget you. Now I will always wonder what it would have been like if I just would have waited. I loved you so much and a part of me always will.