Every time I think I'm over it something pops up. The show I'm watching says "griefs a crafty little fucker".

I was driving in from downtown and wanted food. It was 9 so I didn't want to drive all the way to the Katy Chuy's. I managed to not really think of you other than doing my usual loop of the parking lots to make sure there's no familiar cars when I'm in your neck of the woods.

Of course they had to seat me in our booth. I sat in my spot and looked longingly at the seat across from me. I really missed hearing about what was going on from you in that moment.

I ran you off from lurking on here. Truth is I didn't want to give you the satisfaction of knowing how I feel. Today's session with my therapist I brought up our little line of messages on here. It helped me find a pattern, when I feel like things are over with someone I can get really mean. It's the manifestation of my sense of running the Fight or flight. I'm just trying to protect myself from being hurt. It's not necessarily wrong to be mean to someone who treated you worse than a situationship for a year and a half but it's not who I want to be.

I don't want you to know how hard I'm grieving. I know it would give you some sort of twisted satisfaction. You're petty like that. I truly want you to get help and be better I don't want you to be the person you were to me to anyone else. I just find it all really sad.

A lot of my days unless I stay busy are filled with longing and would've could've should've. I want to get away from it. I really hate that you painted me like such a villain. I can't stop overanalyzing these things especially in therapy. I don't think I'm the villain but that uncertainty that anxiety is always in the back of my head and it makes me so scared of having a new relationship.

I have a girl who has been wanting to be exclusive with me for a few weeks now. I'm just not ready. I learned my lesson on that. It was interested what exclusive meant to her and it was all the same things I thought exclusive meant with you but apparently I was controlling and crazy.

Honestly all our issues early on could've been fixed with decent communication. Unfortunately you have the communication skills and emotional regulation of an abused toddler. You're manipulative wether on purpose or not because your actions,words, and desires just never lined up. That with how you would handle being blatantly in the wrong, how you handle any issues that your partner brings up and you tendency to just outright lie and make things up is just fucked.