"Hi Katie, Im glad you won't see this as Im able to at least send all of this here without disrespecting your desire to take time to think. but I need to send this to you somehow, and this at least makes me feel better knowing you won't see it most likely but it's still "too you" in some sense of the word

I just feel like it isnt fair to not talk.

How can you know or figure out if Im the one you want if you ice me out.

I dont know if you're still talking to him through all of this, or if it is just me who you feel you cant talk to, but I suppose to me it feels like if thats the case you already know what you want, but that's okay

I wanted to thank you anyway. Because through all of this, it has made me truly realize what I want in life, and over the past weeks its also driven me to take serious steps towards it.

Of course I wish and I hope it's all for you and the boys too, but ultimately it is for myself. I want to be a Father. I want a family and so I am making the life changes I need to, to be the best at that as I can possibly be.

I've sold off and made a few thousand from my card collections, and I've paid off all my debt (aside from my student loan anyway) And I know have enough in my savings account that I can realistically buy a house whenever I choose I need to. So there's that

I hope if I do that it's to live with you in it. I miss you. And I miss the boys like they were my own sons. And I miss the daughter we dreamed of, whom I suppose may never exist now, but man do I want to meet her

I want to see your face when you hold her for the first time. I want to hold you every night of your pregnancy until she arrives. There is so much I want to do with you and our would be family and now Im terrified I'll never get too

Also I know I asked about your ring size when we were still talking, but truth is I already know it. I figured it out and wrote it down someplace safe long ago and Im still ready to use that knowledge,

I've been hurting myself listening to voicemails and reading texts you sent me trying to make me believe in the man you thought I was, and to believe in you after we broke up, but honestly a big part of why I didn't make the decision to be with you again sooner, is I felt like you didn't truly want me. That you just didn't want to be alone. And now im petrified that I was right. Now that I encouraged you that you could find someone, and that you did find a few people over these last couple of months, that you are so ready to just toss me aside.

And I understand you couldn't take the waiting anymore, which I never told you to do. But now you are making me wait for your decision, which I suppose is karma but I never made you wait because I was choosing between you and somebody else. I was only even interested in choosing you. I just didn't know if you also would choose me forever. If I was just all you thought you could get...

I pray now, which is crazy I know. I pray that you do wake up and choose me again, that maybe this was God's plan all along, to test us and make us realize how much we love and need one another. and that if you do, it will give me the confidence that you chose me, for me. Not just not choosing loneliness

But I guess I'll find out soon enough.

I want to call you so badly

I want to come see you so much

I want to hear your voice

I want to hear you call my name and say I love you just one more time.

I want to connect with you physically and spiritually with more desire than I've ever experienced, or thought I was capable of. I want to do everything and anything to give you, the boys and our potential baby together the lives that I know you all deserve, and I am damn sure working at it. Maybe it will pay off for someone elese one day, but I don't want it too. Yes of course it is for me, because it is ultimately what I want out of life. But God I want that life to include you just as much

I made a deal with God, or tried to anyway. That if you choose me Ill take our Family to church every Sunday, and Ill even believe again, be a devout man if he does me just this one favor.

But who knows.

I want to drive up there tomorrow for and give you the tightest hug for you Birthday and take you out and make it the special day you deserve.

But I can't. It hurts that I can't

I wish I'd believed you, I wish I'd made this decision sooner and enver worried if you truly loved me or not. Because I've always truly loved you, and was never able to fully walk away even when we weren't supposed to be together.

But I can't change the past

And it hurts that it seems so easy for you know, even though in the past you told me you'd never be able to walk away from me either

I probably don't deserve you or your family now because of that. But I wish you'd give me the chance. I need you to give it to me, and I know you'd never regret it.

Thinking of not having you as the light in my life hurts like no other heartbreak ever has. It hurts even my soul to a point I feel like its exhausted.

That's another thing, I've been going to bed earlier every night, because when you got out of my car last Wednesday you made a joke about how "I hope you are ready to start going to bed at 8:30 when we are back together" and if it was for you, Gladly.

And then talking about our future, how I could stay with you half the week, while staying in my cheaper place the rest to continue to become more financially stable. Ive never been more elated, you made me think in the uncertainty that I had convinced you even though you said you still wanted to talk about it to your friends and family.

Then I screwed it all up by calling your Mom and Sister, and I'm sorry for that, I promise it was to tell them I appreciated them, and that while I of course hoped to once again be a part of the family moving forward, that I understood it was your decision. But while I still had the chance, to make sure they also understood how much I valued the time in their lives they gave me, while I was still in yours.

I Love You. So. Fucking. Much.

I'm afraid that I'm just never going to get to tell any of this to you because you're gonna call me one day soon and tell me you made your choice, and that it isn't me. So I'm leaving it all here, so it at least feels like I said it, and who knows maybe God or whoever will give you the inclination to redownload this, and you'll see all of this when the time is right.

Part of me hopes you do, and all of me hopes it changes your mind, and you without a doubt want me again like the times you did, and I wasted it.

But Alas

What will be, will be.

Ill always love you even when you don't love me, but Ill pray until my lungs give out that that never happens.