Mom,

First I want to apologize, but I'm actually not sure for what exactly. It's either I'm sorry for being too hard on you at the end, or I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough. I was frustrated then, M and C were so small and I was working so much and sleeping so little. I had written you off as a waste of effort and told myself that if you were going to change, it would have to be something you decided and worked for on your own volition.

I'm 40 years old now mom, you passed away 15 years ago. I understand now what you were going through, as now I am going through the same exact things.

I wish I could ask you so much right now. I miss you so much, and I'm so sorry for what you went through.

I don't know what I'm doing anymore, but I'm trying everyday to unravel this knot inside me. Some days are better than others.

A fantastic part of me wonders if some day I can send this letter to you, or say these things to you. Another part of me tells me that you already know.