I’ve completely lost you. I know I have. Even the little bit that we had, I can feel that it’s gone. You actually leave me on read now. And boy oh boy does that hurt.

But if I’m being honest with you? Because you know I’m never going to lie. I knew I lost you weeks ago. You’re so readable. You’re such an open book, but there’s so many chapters of you that you have locked up.

But I read that book. And I reread it. And reread it. And reread it. I know you so well, that the thought of not having you to talk to anymore? Is killer to think about. Not in the I can’t live without you way. No… you made sure to let me know that I shouldn’t depend on you in that way.

I never did. Believe it or not… I did survive without you. I did it before. And I’ll do it long after you give up on me. That’s what I do. I survive. I have now for 30 years, and I’ll do it for another at least 30.

But still.. that doesn’t mean that I don’t want you here. I want you around so badly, that i tried to keep my feelings for you locked up. But damn were they strong. They broke the glass bottle they were in.

You told me that you don’t want to let anyone in. But you did let me in. And then you pushed and pushed and pushed me out until you felt like you had a good enough reason to throw me out of your life. You can say otherwise, but remember how you said actions speak louder than words?? Your actions show just how worthless you think I am.

If I was the person I used to be, this wouldn’t even be an issue. I wouldn’t have these feelings for you. Because I didn’t let myself experience that. But I’ve been changing. Much like you said was important to do. But I didn’t do that for you. I didn’t for myself. I did it so that I could connect with you on a deeper level.

I loved you. But I’ve lost you. And I don’t know if we are ever going to come back from this. No matter how much I wish we could.

-P