You have to admit that your sudden shift in attentiveness is bizarre. Right around the time that I started talking to Grandmother about life up here did you start sending check ups.

"How's it going? Busy as usual over here"
"How are you doing?"
"Happy Birthday"

Why now? When I questioned you about it you said you wanted to talk, that our perspectives weren't aligned. No shit they aren't aligned, you've never been there for me to align to.

Why now? "... after all, I'm your dad." No you aren't. You may be my father, but you have never been my dad. Your blood runs through my veins, but if I had the option I would drain my veins of that same blood and be a product of only my mother. If I could replace your genes with that of my Dad, the man who adopted me and chose me, I wouldn't hesitate.

Why now? When I was young and you had to be bribed to see me, your only son, for even a couple minutes? The fact that the smell of cigarettes is my strongest memory of you, not the things we said or did. The fact you went on and had two more children, children you CHOSE, and children you fought for against mothers who wanted to separate you from them. But not me, I was the one that you had to be coerced into seeing.

Why now? When you gave me up over 20 years ago so I could be adopted by the man I love as my dad. You have no legal obligation to acknowledge me, not that you did before that was removed either.

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Why now do you want to be in my life? You left a hole in my life that was filled with pain and sadness that over time fermented into rage and hatred. Now you want to talk, you want to be there. A space that is no longer open. A space of feelings that are quickly evaporating to fear.

Why do I fear talking to you? Is it because maybe my understanding of your feelings towards me have been wrong my whole life? That all of this pain, anger, sadness is actually misguided? That you are a different person than the villain I have constructed in my head? The pain we have inflicted on each other was senseless and without reason?

Maybe I should want to know the truth. Maybe talking with you would set me free emotionally. But....

Why now should I give you the chance.