I simply can not decide at this point.

I thought it was easier to just, never have you at all anymore. To completely erase you from my life in every way I knew how. The pain was too great.

But obviously I failed. I couldn’t do that, I tried. I tried so hard. No contact, no socials, nothing. But. You lingered. Because a part of you will always live within me.

The void, the emptiness, the fear only grew. The destruction, the confusion, the self-hatred grew. I knew I needed you. So. I was willing to accept whatever I could have of you. I came crawling back.

Now, I have some of you. You mean so fucking much to me. I loved you. I still do. I want you. I still do. Even after all of the pain. All of the dishonesty. I still want you, and I’d do literally anything to have you back in my life in the way that you once were. But. I can not decide yet, if this is easier or not. I feel like it is, I really do. But. What I need from you, is something I can no longer find within you.

So now I question. After this week of talking and music. Yes, music is such a great experience with you. But the conversation…I just, I struggle. I’m finding that I don’t know that I know how to talk to you?

We were never friends before. How do we go from what we were, to JUST friends? How do we go backwards? How do I talk to you? What do I talk to you about? I crave you. But. I am so fucking filtered with you now. YOU taught me to not to be filtered. You took the filter right off. How do I put it back on around you now?

I just DON’T know. And that has me on edge.