Or what my brain has created anyway. Maybe you’re the representation of safety and that’s why when I start to feel ungrounded you appear in my dreams.

The sad part lies in such a missed opportunity. I saw you as one of my best friends for years and years. And if I’m looking back my young brain was so naive. So naive. Ugh just so freaking naive.

The truth is that I loved you. And the absolutely brutal truth is that you are the only man in my life that never abused me. But I didn’t know how you felt then, and god I wish that I had.

Years after it happened, my friend told me you called her crying and confessing you loved me. God I never even knew. I hate that I didn’t know.

But let’s be honest. My dad was a drunk. My mom an enabler. My sister was unruly and I had no self esteem. None. I would have been terrified to confess my feelings for you. Even though your hugs were warmth and safety.

And because the ground is currently a little wobbly under my feet, you showed up again in my dreams last night. And I’m at once thrown off my feet but brought back to what is important. And that’s safety. In life, in relationships, in everything. It’s one of the most basic of needs.

I’m so thankful for our more casual conversations and emails. But I can’t send you this. So it’s here. Thank you for being one of my oldest friends, and for the depth of support that you can never know.