So I guess I have to put this all down and organize it before I forget all the important things I have to say. I'm sure that you think you've heard it all before, and maybe some you have – but some things are different now. Many things are changed – maybe it's time that you stopped living nearly 3 years ago, and maybe start to change your own self, for the better – and not resort back to a bottle. Where did that get you, what did that do for you then? Oh, right – nowhere, and without a vehicle to boot, because you were reckless... Shock, and awe that's not too far off from current realities you live in.

This is not “another one of the diatribes” you so love to go on about, and if you think that's what this is, please start now to broaden that sad, and very narrow view of life, and other peoples (very valid) opinions you have.

What do I need to know? I need to know if you are in this? But I already know the answer. I refuse to walk on eggshells wondering if today is the day you discard me, because I need a partner. Which is all it has ever taken before. Such simple, human things, human needs...
This isn't the “lets see where things go” show,. This isn't a “lets see if you change, and go from there.” kind of thing. If you're not willing to bend, and do some changing yourself for us, – why should I have to? That is not a fair expectation, nor should you even ask that of me.

This is it, K, I'm not sitting around waiting for you to decide if you want me, for you to decide if I'm worth anything, in your eyes, other than a place to pump your ego. You can't string people along because you think you're doing them a kindness, when really you're not man enough to be accountable and tell the truth. To then cast them off, like trash, when you're bored, or when you don't feel like putting in the time and effort it takes to maintain a functional relationship with another adult. Yes, effort and time – outside of the bedroom. Entire relationships built on the foundation of sex alone, crumble, and crumble they will. We see a fine example of the crumbs left now... except there's one person actually trying to move forward - together. And that person has never been you.

I've told you what I want, nine hundred times over – that hasn't changed. Me being here? - that hasn't changed. Me telling you that I want to be with you, and twisting, bending and folding myself into whatever you've asked of me, because those were the things you “needed” from me? - that hasn't changed. I'm still shaped like a pretzel. Me sitting idly by, letting you, watching you, cast me to the side and show me; remind me - that I'm worth nothing? Of course, that hasn't changed. Yet I am further diminished, I am further degraded, further feeling less, and less like myself.

The common factor? Me. I'm still the one fighting, and I'm the only one tightening my own noose. So that I can try and show you what you're going to lose, by exiting, and choosing to give up; anytime I try and stick up for myself, any time I try to get something that I need from you, from the relationship. You shut it all down. The entire relationship has been about meeting YOUR needs. What about mine? Do I not matter? Why are you more important than me? Who decided that? Isn't a partnership supposed to be powerful. When you work to build each other?

See, there's this one thing – compromise. Relationships are all about compromise, they are an integral ingredient in a working and functional partnership. Yes, that also means that at times, things are not going to be exactly 50/50. There are going to be many days where we are going to have to pick up each others slack. Why? Because maybe the other just cant that day, they don't have enough spoons left to make it through the day. Your job as their partner, is to help them and support them when they need it. You don't just walk over them, and sneer at them, degrading them as you pass because you didn't need help that day.

Your partner should never be left wondering, at the end of the day, or part way through, about where the relationship stands. If you don't feel like moving into a future that you build together, for each other – communicate. Don't just drop the hat at what ever lame, and mundane excuse you feel like, in that moment. There will be times where you will ask things of your partner, and they will gladly give you what you need, that is love, it is commitment. They expect the same in return. But when your partner comes to you and says that now they need something from you? You can't just blink at them, tell them no, and nothing me. That is invalidating. That is not a relationship, I wouldn't even know what to call that – only selfish, narcissistic, and degrading come to mind. And I would hope that you would never wilfully make your partner endure that kind of abuse.

But you have, and you did. But – that was in the past. I have been trying to have you see that, have you see that, unlike you, I am NOT stuck on what WAS. I am choosing to focus on what CAN BE. The person that did those things? They aren't here now. The people here now? Have chosen to learn and grow from the mistakes of the past. You? Are living in what happened 3 years ago, and still demonizing me for it? And, I am STILL being accountable for the actions that hurt you, and I know this, and I have been trying to bring you past that.

The things you did to me, not to mention, the things you failed to do, hurt me. And they were far more recent than things I did, and things I regret. However, you still have yet to be accountable for any way you hurt me, and some of those? Well, they're a lot more recent than 3 years ago – think 2 months ago, think 4 months ago, 8 months ago. In fact – a lot of 2022 was spent, what I thought was, investing in us. Only to have you decide that I'm not worth the air I breath, and discarded.

Take this quote, and think about it. It's applied to us, specifically, many times... maybe you'll finally understand some basic human traits -

“If somebody chooses to be vulnerable enough to tell you that they feel like you've hurt them. YOU don't get to decide whether you did, or didn't because it is how they feel, irrelevant to you agreeing, or disagreeing with that feeling.

So, if you don't respond to them in a humble and caring manner, and validate that persons feelings, irrelevant to you believing that they're right, or wrong. Do not be surprise if you lose them in the process, because you were potentially being prideful and selfish with your need to be right."

In the end it comes down to the same things as it always has. You are unable to care about another person in the ways that are pretty standard, ingrained human traits. Things like compassion, empathy, and sympathy you have always struggled with. But at least before you were overtly better at, at least, faking it. When someone chooses to tell you that they're feeling a certain way, and that they are looking for some support. Support them – but do NOT invalidate how they are feeling, or tell them they are seeking attention. That is such a dehumanizing act. Do you think people who are in that kind of emotional state can control how they are feeling? Do you not think that if it were possible – that they wouldn't be seeking out comfort in a person they thought they could trust.?
I did that, on many different occasions with you, only to be left mocked, ridiculed, or invalidated. In the end, the one person that likely could have prevented me attempting to end my own life, did not.

If we are bringing up the past – here's a one that hurt BIG for me. I begged you, I pleaded with you, I sobbed on your chest and told you I was lost and that I needed help and that things had to change. And in that moment, you promised me that WE would figure it out, that WE would solve it. However, I was misled, I was lied too, and you did nothing. Literally, NOTHING. This happened on TWO, not one, but TWO different occasions, and still I ended up attempting to unsubscribe from life. But, had you actually been willing, and cared enough to do something in those moments, other than just placate me, maybe thins would be different. That is what partnership is about.

And I'm not going to dive into the next day, and how you even came to the conclusion that I was in a good enough state of mine to consent to sex, not even 24 hours after I tried... To do that to a person in that state, to think that they would be able to make rational choices in that time? It was beyond selfish, sickening, and it shows character – or lack there of. That was an eye opener for me – I was in one of the MOST vulnerable states that I had ever been in, and you took advantage of me, took whatever you wanted. Worst of all? You blamed me. Refusing to understand how that could have possibly hurt me; in fact, you think I'm crazy, even chastising me, for feeling the way that I do. That is selfishness, in it's textbook form.