Since we've been apart, some new perspectives have come to me. And just now, instated missing you just he presence of you, even. 8m the same room or 8m bed or entangled in each other.

I've been distracting myself with porn and egirls and dope. And I remembered some moments we had that were fucking amazng. "I've been so fucking lonely since we broke up," I thought. And I started remembering regretful things.

But this new perspective hit.

I remembered telling you once that I felt more alone and lonely then before we lived together. I told you that years before we broke up. And I remembered when we got separate places again how there was this slow burn of seeing you less and less;l. And how when I would say that I was missing you that your response would be "but we just saw each other on Monday" and how it made me feel like I was a task to be checked off like a low-weight to-do item 9n your agenda of very 8mp9rtat things to do.

You invited me to your place, but when I got there, you said you needed some salt for dinner. And you ran out to get it.

And were gone for hours.

I miss you. I do. But I've missed you for years.

And you're wrong. I don't think your evil. Evil is a really difficult label to achieve and usually involves genocide.

You're just cruel.

But only to certain people. And always incredibly subtle and covered in your trademarked brand of plausible deniability. Because blame means everything to you.

Believe it or not, I hope you're happy. And I guess you are for the most part. But I don't think you'll ever be truly happy andtha you will forever blame the people who let you down for that and treat them in ways that bring out the worst in them.

I think maybe it's not YOU that I miss. I think what I miss is the belief I had that maybe some day I could be someone who makes you happy.

And maybe that was the biggest delusion I had.

I hope some day you realize exactly what you truly lost with me. Because I don't believe you'll ever find what I thought to your life again. Because I know that I will NEVER give it to anyone again.

And I hope that some day, the fact that I lost the desire to offer those parts of me to the world upsets you more than you losing them.

It's just such a HUGE chunk of time that has been wasted in our lives. Most of all I hope it hurts when you think about what I traded for the stupid hope of being with you forever.

And now I'm back to this stupid feeling.

Time to get fucked up and distract myself. The same as every day for years.