And feel almost manic about it. I was exhausted. Crying. Tired.

but I know it’s only a matter of time before someone sees the damage I do to myself and I get thrown back to the Looney Bin. It was fun the first few days, then terribly boring. But I’m bordering too far down the rabbit hole now for others to see me as OK.

I can’t stop the reactions I have in order to feel control. Just a little slice of heavenly control.

Work wants to let me go soon. I feel like a failure but then the apathy hits and I realize that summer is coming and I won’t be able to wear long sleeves and long pants and socks all the time anymore. And one day I might slip. So i can work my bum off and get really good at what I do… but inevitably I’m going to be taken out of this space.

The masseuse was so sad seeing me.

She asked if they hurt. I said only on the inside and laughed. She didn’t think it was funny.

The sadness I see on others faces is too much to handle.

I just want to hide, forever.

But it’s so lonely hiding.

I felt OK when I was in the underground worlds.

Everyone was different enough there that they understood. They looked without judgment, more intrigue than anything.

I was finally not a freak. I was finally just.. interesting. Not odd. Just interesting.

I’ve been out of the shadows for too long. This legal game I’m playing, this straight life without tricks, without drugs. There’s no numbness, not even from the cuts. There’s no adrenaline relief. There’s no daily danger, there’s nothing but the sadness mirrored in the eyes of those who truly see me. Or I sit at a desk behind a computer doing completely normal, legal, stressful things. For a life that doesn’t even want me in it. For people who don’t really want to see me.

Too much for everyone. Not enough for anyone. Isn’t it always the case.