I’m sorry, this wasn’t all you, I know that. I’m not so conceited nor my ego so huge that I can’t admit that I fucked up to. I fucked up numerous times in just as many ways. I was pushy and violated boundaries I put you on a path you didn’t even want.

I remember the first time I saw you, you were pretty and cute you were the potential for me to forget all about my very recent ex. And then I met you, vibrant and smart with a zest for reckless adventures. And the learned yours age and lustful crush ended but it was too late. Your eyes saw me as something worthy of adoration as a smart older gentleman who would do anything to make the world smile, I could. Those nights were the best I ever had. We touched and played and laughed our literal and metaphorical dance and begun. it was like I finally found the thing everyone else had, a companion. This is the first place I should have ended it, that weekend should have ended there, but it didn’t. I texted you, you texted back, and then we were friends

Time passed and we were inseparable, i carried you everywhere I showed off my new friend who was cool and smart and fun and funny and frankly a pot head. I treated you like an adult knowing you were a kid and hid my feelings in plain sight. Then one night you called, it was easily 3 am, and you were asking for help, this would happen so many more times. I met you mother that night she answered question I should have long asked, she was a drunk and this wasn’t the first time you had to rescue her from her self or pick her up and take her home. You were accustomed to this trauma and it’s here where I should have been more selfless.. I should have called CPS I should have called someone to protect you from the traumas only drunk controlling narcissistic mother can inflict on a son.

And then that night came, we laid together talking being vulnerable and you asked m to commit a sin against my principles. I wanted to say yes, i wanted more than anything for our bound to continue growing and strengthen and yet I said to you “if you feel this way in the morning then I’ll….” Morning came and went and you felt the same but I denied you still. We should have parted way I shouldn’t have flown so close to the sun, but I fed on the temptation. I was insatiable.

There were many more times I should have walked away so many times I fucked up. The time you asked me to have my way with you. The times you flaked on important events. The lies there were so many of them. I should have deemed you immature and walked away and let you grow up but I wanted to teach you, I wanted to make you self sufficient I tried to raise you. And I psyched and I pushed. But I was selfish I just wanted you near.

I admit I fucked your friends in an effort to show you how little they would care if you were gay or bisexual, but you weren’t for it you maintained you wanted to be hetero even after that fateful night where you begged me for my attention in the worst kind of way I stuck it out, coke, acid, shrooms, and now meth I did it all to get close to you and probably pushed you further into it. I’m terrible for you I enabled you in every way. I should have just walked away. I can honestly say my love was wrong it was obsessive it was restrictive. It’s probable the real reason you can’t look me in the eyes. It’s probably the reason you don’t care if I stay or go. It’s probably the reason that this is good bye. I’ll always love you kid.