TW: discussion of medical issues, SA

Hello, kinky disabled nonbinary relationship anarchist here with a vagina and a high sex drive but for some goddamn reason a frustrating inability to orgasm. For context, I have vaginismus and have trouble with penetration so rely on oral sex, clitoral stimulation, and can sometimes manage a finger or two in me. Currently pursuing dilation to solve the penetration issue, it’s a work in progress.

I was at a fucking ORGY and managed to not be able to orgasm. There were multiple instances where I came close, but then my body was like “nah” and I just lost it, basically. When I’m with partners, any gender, I can’t. I just… can’t. I get so close, I feel like it’s coming, and then poof it’s gone.

The last time I remember being able to orgasm properly was prior to my most recent SA. I say properly because a lot of my issue stems from not being able to recognise my orgasm and having to have partners tell me if I was successful or not. I can count on one hand how many times I’m positive I had an orgasm. My partners always feel bad but I tell them that it’s okay, it’s going to take me too long let’s just move on, but I fear that’s coming from a place of me being a people pleaser and not wanting them to worry about it. I’m very much a service submissive so my main focus is getting them off to be honest. But I’m at a point where I haven’t been getting my needs fulfilled and I want them fulfilled but I’m fairly positive it won’t work because my body hates me.

Not sure if this is a vent or asking for advice, I have been practicing masturbating and getting close to orgasm but again, I usually lose it. I also have trouble with vibrators because before I can climax my labia goes numb and itchy and it’s just no longer fun. I’m just fed up and feel like I’m slamming into a wall.