Hi,

Mods - could not find the right flair for this. Change as necessary.

Context : During COVID I was looking for remote volunteering organizations of India. The organizations where I live, really don't need volunteers. There are literally 100 applications for 10 positions. And the 10 positions have very limited expectation. Like if you choose math (my subject), they breakdown everything to you in the materials they give. Even if you fail, the other components which other teachers are teaching will be enough. Plus regular teachers are so amazing that I felt I was doing a disservice. Finally found this NGO who shortlist schools, assign teachers and are very resourceful team. For a year I was building up materials for them in local language. Last year, there was some issue on their end and many local schools in Karnataka (my state) did not fill up volunteers. So I volunteered to teach for a school which was a remote school and first time on the NGOs chart. They had 70% of the required teachers. Meaning some teachers taught other subjects which is not their subject. I was extremely excited to volunteer because I had watched super 30 way too many times. On a serious note, I was hoping that I would create some spark.

For many reason, it was everything I did not imagine what it would be. They hired a coordinator from a local tribe but missed adding a trainer to teach them how to use tech. You would be surprised when I say the coordinator had never used a simple cellphone. Many times our class were delayed by few hours because they would have hurdles with laptop ranging from pop-ups to forgetting to connect to the internet etc....I tried recording videos for this person, typed instructions in a Kannada if they can get help from someone who knows to read, created an audio file so they can hear to it and setup the laptop for class. It was overwhelming for them. They needed on ground support. The TA (Teaching assistant) I got definitely needed a bit of work on herself. I would ask students who are silent in class, to answer. She would tell me "Ma'am they are dumb. Ask this child". Initially I would chuckle because this is so typical of Indian schools. I would message her offline after the class that no child is dumb and there is hope for everyone and we should not say that. She was habituated with these thoughts. I could not correct her until the end of the year. Score cards came and she said - "oh don't expect x,y,z to get anything more than 35 ma'am". She would also push the boys to the front of the camera to answer any questions I ask. I would scream all girls name (sometimes tech can be so shit) to answer. No one would answer. There was this bright girl in the class. Lets call her PL (PrassanaLakshmi) because that is her name (lol). She was always excited for the class and I often saw her come early and sit in front of the class. My voice barely made it. At some point I would be talking loudly cos the class has turned mob with all the boys screaming and she would give a big nod towards the camera that she can hear it. Even though I was pretty disappointed with most things, knowing some child was listening kept pushing me. With many unsuccessful classes, the year ended. I was discouraged at the end because I was 100% certain my kids learnt nothing. They would get excited when I shared videos on my laptop or showed the high raised buildings with flashing lights from my window (cos it used to be night time here). There was nothing educational about it.

Fast forward to today and the sad part: Lately I am spending lot more time on reddit during weekdays because I have nothing better to do. Even though the whole teaching thing was sad, it was built into my routine. Plus I miss noting down the small jokes in my life which I would share with them. They would laugh even when they don't understand thinking I am some crazy person from distant land. lol. Whenever I would forget the translation for the concept in local language (as it was local language medium), they would all scream guessing which word I am trying to use. lol. Today morning I messaged the TA on how are the kids doing, if they filled all the volunteering positions (taken care by the NGO) and how PL is doing. Wanted to see if I can career counsel her and other girls. TA messaged back saying- "You are vested emotionally thinking you are teaching future rocket scientists. These kids are going to be married off in a few years. They would be lucky if they get further education". I was extremely hurt not because of what she thinks but the reality in her words. Could not focus at work all day long. Was thinking how my aunt and my cousin lived in a village their entire life with no ambition. I have never seen them dream anything other than buying some stuff. There is nothing wrong with it but it's just I can't fathom what it is like to never experience or discover things for yourselves. I dont know if its just me projecting. They have certain misogynistic views and I always cribbed about that. But they have lived their entire life in a box under the rules given out to them. Where is the end to all this? For 8 months I thought I am doing something worthwhile but nothing came out of it. I was not expecting a revolution. Just hoping I would encourage a few kids and maybe spark some interest in math. None of that really happened. In fact I feel I wasted everyone's time. It made no difference to anyones life. How will anything change for a country which is so populous? I am feeling sad and freaking out. I dont blame bad teachers in teaching sector in India because they dont know any better. Everyone are trying to make a living at the end of the day. I am unable to process the overwhelming feeling.

Edit : To the person who sent me hate message and also care message, you are the one who needs help. Get well soon :)