3 years ago I married the worst man I possibly could have because I was pregnant. My religious family gave me an ultimatum and so ultimately I have my wonderful son and horrible ex husband.

The 1 year we lived together was the worst and hardest year of my life. It didn’t help that I was pregnant/had a baby and living through Covid together. We separated December 2020 and divorced officially December 2021 and my life has gone from miserable to wonderful since then.

I am still dealing with the trauma of having lived with a ticking time bomb to this day and I am trying to understand myself more and what happened. Yes I am in therapy but I started reading the book “why does he do that”. It’s absolutely amazing but it also brings back so many bad memories and touches so many of the traumas I lived through. the book discusses a lot of his behavior and almost exactly explains him and how I felt BUT I find myself sometimes seeing myself there too in those words and thinking about my own behavior. And that’s really hard.

then I think back to how much I tried to not be “abusive” after recognizing my behavior back then by going to therapy, seeing a psychiatrist for antenatal depression, PPD, anxiety and getting my Bipolar diagnosis eventually I was trying to actively change my behavior but does an abuser do that? Was that reactive abuse that I experienced? I feel like I’m stuck in the headspace where i can’t seem to figure out if it was me? Or him? Or both. Am I an abuser too? I did some very bad things too. towards the end though when I couldn’t take life anymore and I attempted suicide. Felt like my son and him could be better without me since everything I did was “wrong”. (Which ended up being the best thing I ever did, going to the psych ward and the filing for divorce right after) I just don’t know.

I guess I just want some support and to have others share their stories too.