I literally just found out, so I haven't fully processed this yet. I'm in a state of shock which is weird because all day, I was freaked out, breaking down, crying, before I took the test. But now, seeing that pink line, I have no emotions. Or maybe I have every emotion and can't just pick one. So instead I'm feeling hollow, empty. I have a million thoughts racing through my head while simultaneously unable to process a single one. I was a virgin. I don't care what other people do, but I wanted to wait until marriage, or at least a serious relationship. Was that too much to ask?

I never followed any of the abortion news. It just didn't interest me. And after I was assaulted, I just ignored it. I told myself it never happened. I never told anyone else because saying it out loud would just make it reality. I doubled down at work, at the gym, in class, because every second I focused on something else was another second where I didn't have to face this. I went on trying so hard to pretend it never happened. But here it is. Undeniable proof that it happened.

I'm googling/reddit-searching laws about abortion in Texas, but there's so much news out there, I'm feeling so overwhelmed. I can barely get through wikipedia/news articles without zoning out and getting all these racing thoughts all over again. Do I even have anyone I can talk to about this? Can I get sued or can a friend get sued if I tell them?

Maybe the pain will catch up in a few hours and I won't be able to stop crying. But right now, the only thing I can do is stay glued to my computer, wishing time would slow down, that I can stop the clock so I can scream into the void but also get the time to figure out my options and make a plan.

Who can I even tell or ask for help from? I'm scared of going through my doctor/health insurance because I don't actually know what the laws are. I'm still on my parents' insurance and don't want them to know anything.

My thoughts are kind of everywhere, so I'm sorry this isn't cohesive. Maybe writing this out will help me solidify some thoughts and focus on at least making a plan instead of getting distracted by so many what-ifs or hypotheticals or regrets or bitterness.

I can't help but think about what I could/should have done instead. But doing anything else would have been an acknowledgment that this happened. And it didn't. Until I saw that positive test.

I feel like my body betrayed me. I started writing this post like an hour ago, but each sentence takes me ten minutes to write out because I can barely read what I'm writing.