TW: SA/rape

On Saturday, I saw a post on here about coercion/sexual assault. I wanted to sob. In 2017, I had an...encounter. I remember saying no, pushing him away multiple times. We were in a secluded area, and he was my ride, so I had no way to escape. Ever since then, I always focused on the fact that I allowed myself to be put into a vulnerable situation, that I had been attracted to the man, etc. I blamed myself so much, I overlooked the fact that I was taken advantage of. I had been in a (very toxic and emotionally abusive) relationship with someone else when this incident took place, so I felt a tremendous amount of guilt. In fact, the reason I had met with the person who SA-ed me was to talk about it, to try to get a second opinion about the relationship, to figure out if I should leave. I was finally being heard, instead of being told to shut up, that what I had to say was stupid. I genuinely did not want to have sex with anyone other than my then-boyfriend, fidelity was important to me.

Did I make some stupid decisions? Absolutely. Did it mean that my protests should have been ignored like they were? Absolutely not. It's still hard for me to accept it, yet now, it's staring me right in the face. After reading that post, I realized that it really was non-consensual, I knew I didn't want it, and it had been SA all along. I'm still doubting myself, but I feel more liberated now. I just felt the need to get that out.