TW: rape

I've dated and slept with enough men i don't have a count off the top of my head.

Even the most respectful men seem to think that having sex with me makes me their possession, and that they have the right to give their opinion on my future relationships and partners.

I had a very close friend who got me drunk, then groped me and humped my ass after I pushed him off me, and I was so terrified that I just laid there until he fell asleep. He passed it off as his being drunk, and when I did not prove as pliable to him in the future, he sent me a massive text about how I'm a whore who manipulates men and he wasn't going to come grovelling back at my feet. He still pretends we're friends even though I've explicitly told people we aren't.

I once dated a friend who was the sweetest, most mindful guy I've ever spoken to. He raped me the second time we had sex, because I told him no, and he laughed and did it anyway. He was shocked I hit him and locked myself in the bathroom. And when I came out, he guilted and shamed me for my reaction, and forced me to stay for the rest of the weekend and fucked me until I was so raw, I bled.

I went on a couple dates with a guy I used to work with, and the relationship somehow wound up being pure sex. Which was fine, except I never enjoyed myself. I'd show him how to get me off and he'd laugh and make out like I was doing it wrong and revert back to doing it in ways that hurt me. I gained custody of my sibling, and he vanished out of my life for nearly three years because he's not okay with dating single moms, which is absolutely his right. Except he just showed back up now that my sibling is eighteen trying to style us as a romantic relationship and as being in an established D/s relationship. After years! He was just waiting until I had less responsibilities.

I dated a guy who was absolutely great until he realized how many of my friends are men, and he told me to choose between him and them, and acted very annoyed when I failed to choose him. It's sexy for a bi woman to have attractive female friends, see, but when it's attractive male friends, it's cheating to even know them.

I find it increasingly difficult to feel attracted to men. Every man I've slept with unless it was a one night stand with a stranger has felt he had some kind of influence over me. I can't be turned on by someone when I'm quietly dreading finding out how they'll decide to try to control me or use me. I feel lucky that I'm bisexual because it means I have options.

And again! This is not a small sample group! I'm a grade A slut! I've slept with men from many economic and social classes, of many ethnicities, from many countries, and had a variety of relationships with them. I don't believe this is something innate to men either. I'm pretty sure that that's just how they were raised and that not very many of them take the time to examine and break loose of those biases beyond the surface level.