Let's start off with this, just to get it out of the way: I'm a transgender woman. This means that due to a birth defect I can never get pregnant, no matter how much or how little I wanted. I could have frozen sperm, or gotten someone else pregnant (*Edit: I can't anymore, I don't have a penis or balls, I am in fact infertile. It wouldn't matter since I also have been on hrt for 2 years now and I couldn't produce sperm if l wanted to, which I don't want to), but that's not me, that's not who I am. It not only sounds wrong, but it feels wrong to a point I can't really explain.

I keep coming around to this idea of me being infertile and it's frustrating, painful, and a whole host of other emotions. Adoption is always an option, but that's not my point, nor do I think lesser of anyone who would adopt; in fact I think those who are willing to do that are amazing.... But that's not for me.

I have cis friends who aren't able to get pregnant, who have cried with me over the phone about it. I don't know why I feel like I'm unable to express the same to them, as if I'm some foreign entity to womanhood. I don't have a uterus, I most likely never will. I'll never be able to hold another life within me. What got me on this mindset was that I experience part of a monthly cycle; every month I get typical pms symptoms, which is not abnormal for trans people, just without the menstruation part. And it just made me realize how much I want to give birth. I guess it's partly Fear Of Missing Out and partly feeling "othered" because of my non-cis experiences as well.

If you've read this far down, thank you. I just needed to express this, since I can't tell my Mom (she's not accepting, and I don't even know how I'd approach her about this). I'm also afraid to talk about it with my cis-gender friends, as if I'm somehow encroaching on something even if it's not true.