I feel ugly. I feel ugly and manly and unattractive. I see all these pictures of these beautiful girls and wonder, "why not me? Why do I have to suffer?"

I just want to be pretty, I just want to be proportional. I want to have features that fit my body, instead of that I have tiny boobs, no hips, a big chest and back, facial hair, and I just...I hate it. Its just so unfair. Why can't I be the person I always imagined?

Why do I have to constantly feel at odds with my body, constantly trying to feel right, to be ok with my body. Somedays. Maybe 4 times a month, I look in the mirror and i'm ok with my face. Other times i hate it and I almost always hate my stupid body.

I hate being me. I just want to be curvy. Instead of that all my fat goes right to my stomach, no hips, no boobs. My hair is frizzy and looks shitty all the time. I either have to not wash it or get it wet for a week so I can straighten it and have it look decent, until it gets too greasy and I have to wash ti again, and I maybe get 2 whole days with it looking ok.

People tell me that i'm pretty. But they're wrong. I know they are. I'm not pretty in any traditional sense. I've never had a guy come up to me and ask me for my number. I've never had a guy flirt with me whos my age. I know I'm not pretty, its a fact, not a guess.

I feel worthless, and shitty and unattractive and ugly. And I don't think theres anything I can do to change that. I've tried telling myself that everyones body is different, and its ok that yours isn't size 0 (I'd be ok with size 8 for gods sake.) Fact is, I'm size 12 in dresses. I'm 5'5, 180lbs, and I'm a size 12. Because of my back. And if it fits my back, it never fits my tiny boy hips.

I'm just so done. So done with everything. I just want to disappear and never have to deal with this anymore. It takes so much energy out of me everyday, I just can't do it anymore. I can't beat myself up everytime i see a girl whos gorgeous, who I want to be. I can't keep hating myself everytime i look in the mirror.

Just once. Just. once. I want to look in the mirror and feel beautiful or look in the mirror and feel like a regular, normal, girl.

Sorry for the rant.