I was in a long term relationship with a guy who seemed great at first, then over time because increasingly obsessed with the idea that I didn’t “need” him. Examples:

— had an issue with me making a lot more money than him, even though I always told him it didn’t matter to me. And I supported him to do career and education things to reach his own goals.

— didn’t want to commit to having a child with me when I told him that was something non negotiable for a life partner, because he didn’t want to be financially on the hook for another child (he had one already); then when I suggested I could use a donor to have a child on my own so he wasn’t responsible, freaked out and said that would mean I wouldn’t “need” him for anything. Meanwhile he’s encouraging me to be a stepmom to HIS child.

—frequently told me it was an issue that I am an independent-minded person, despite my constant compromising in the relationship.

Surprising no one, we broke up. One of the last things he did to emotionally blackmail me was to say I was unlovable because I would always want something more. And yet I haven’t regretted it for a single moment, because it’s so clear to me now that he’s in a subgroup of men who aren’t happy unless they have complete control of your thoughts, emotions, finances, and relationships. They don’t view a relationship as a partnership among equals. They view you as a resource to exploit for childcare, housework, sex, and blind unquestioning affirmation.

It scares me to think about the many women out there who are already in or in danger of falling into relationships like this. I heard a quote on a podcast that rang true about why some men are obsessed with creating reliance: “If he can’t feed you, he can’t starve you.”

Stay safe out there!