(Rant incoming)

I had a dream last night that my peers discovered the other side of me. They accepted me and continued to respect me in my position. I woke up and cried, knowing that in reality they would never know what I really do in my free time.

A bit about the real me. I’m an MD, a researcher, and a member of academia. I dress appropriately at work, and generally do my part to make myself appear as a professional and respectable woman in a typically male-dominated space. For the most part, my colleagues and peers show me respect and treat me as an equal, and I think that has to do with the image I work to keep up.

Behind closed doors however, I suffer from PTSD due to a traumatic past. I also have insatiable sexual fantasies that I can’t escape, which is probably associated with some type of undiagnosed mental health issue. My body and what I do with it is my choice obviously, but the things I choose to do in my personal time are just not compatible with the professional, public facing side of me. If society at large discovered what I do, I’d lose all credibility. That’s why this account exists. I’m so terrified of people finding out my identity, I get nervous even thinking about sharing pictures of myself with strangers, even though the sexual side of me would love to share my body. All the little marks and unique identifiers, hell, even my bedsheets could link them back to me. I cannot afford to lose my position. I’m fucking rich and (within my field) famous, there is too much at stake. I’m not even 29 like my account says.

I’m relocating across the country to a new position in a few weeks. I’m planning on enjoying myself on the way, since it’s free time I likely won’t have for a while while I get settled in. Im going to use a fake name, fake age, and fake story while I enjoy myself so that nobody knows who I am. Because nobody can know, I’d be destroyed.

Now to be fair, we live in a time of unprecedented sexual liberty. The fact that sex workers can make a living on their own, run businesses, and make their way into the mainstream is amazing. Even still, society at large would never trust these people in important positions. It’s like there are still two separate sets of social values in two different worlds.

Sorry if this rant was a little all over the place, but sometimes I just wish things were different.