Hello everyone,

A bit of background: I (32M) am in a situationship with someone we’ll call “Matt” (32M). We’ve known each other for over a year, and in the past five months, things have gotten non-sexually romantic. We like each other and are both aware of our feelings, but we want to take things slow. About four months ago, Matt lost his job, and I hired him at my place of employment where I hold a leadership position. I am in management and he is not.

Our interactions at work are strictly professional. As a leader, I believe in allowing my team to do their job with minimal supervision, though there are times when I have to be stern (while remaining empathetic and professional) to lead my team or an individual toward the needed outcome. Matt, I’ve come to learn, has a problem with authority. And although he is not directly under me, his boss is.

Here’s the thing: during a recent conversation, Matt called me “disgusting.” I was shocked and asked why he thought so. His response was, “You are a boss… I don’t like that. You work so hard and expect people to work as you do. You pride yourself in ‘doing your best’ and working with excellence. That disgusts me. This version of you disgusts me.”

I was SHOCKED! Mainly because I’m not a mean boss, nor do I have much interaction with him at work. While I understand that everyone is entitled to their opinions, this comment has been really hard for me to move past. I tend to be a private person, and I’ve let this person into my life and have been incredibly vulnerable with them, so being seen this way by someone I care about deeply has been pretty painful.

So, I wrote him a letter because I thought it would be good to give him time to process what I had written without the pressure of having to respond to me right away. I expressed my pride in him, reminisced about our shared experiences, and acknowledged how much our relationship has contributed to my personal growth.

In my letter, I wrote: “Recently, you called me ‘disgusting.’ While I understand that this is your opinion and I try not to take it personally, I’m struggling to move past it. Given my feelings for you, it’s challenging to reconcile being seen this way by someone I’ve let into my life and with whom I’ve been vulnerable. It’s difficult to move on from such a harsh judgment. Your words have left a deep impact, making it hard for me to navigate our connection. Despite this, I’m trying to understand and process everything, but it’s a struggle when I’ve been so open with you.”

Matt has not mentioned the letter nor have I. At work, he insisted on bringing me a drink from my favorite coffee shop and he did, but we have not interacted much since. I genuinely want to support Matt and still like him, but I find myself stuck. I’ve tried to be there for him, and while I don’t usually hold grudges, this one comment has made it tough for me to feel the same about our relationship.

So, AITA for struggling to get over him calling me “disgusting”? Should I just let it go and move on? Should I continue to pursue a relationship with Matt?

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EDIT FOR CLARIFICATION:

1 - HOW WE MET: Matt and I met at a professional event in our city. He already had an established career when we met. He didn’t

2 - DISCLOSURE: Our employer and HR know about Matt and I. I disclosed the nature of our relationship even before he was hired. This was only a few weeks after telling each other that we liked one another. We’ve since signed Disclosure Agreements and have remained professional while at work. The agreement includes a clause that prevents us from retaliating against each other professionally. Again, I have very little interaction with him at work. And to avoid conflicts of interest, promotions, and bonuses for Matt are handled by his supervisor and my higher-up.

3 - “I HIRED HIM”: I must’ve given more context to the hiring process. Matt had to go through a rigorous process before my boss and I said yes. HR knew about the nature of our relationship, but the people who interviewed him didn’t… when 3 out of 3 recommendations came as “Hirable” based on his merits, I made the final call to hire him. Again, whoever needed to know about the relationship between Matt and, knew.

4 - THE LETTER: Some of you are worried about this letter and how Matt might use it against me. I thought about this too. The letter was typed and vague enough to not have personal identifiers. And no, I did not sign it. However, if “evidence” is what I’m going to lose sleep over, I should worry about the year's worth of texts.

5 - “SITUATIONSHIP”: Maybe I used the wrong term. Matt and I HAVE NOT been physically intimate. We like(d) each other and have been hanging out. We are exclusively getting to know each other without dating other people. Five months might seem like a long time without physical intimacy for some… this is what He and I agreed on. NO! I DID NOT HIRE HIM TO SLEEP WITH HIM! If the goal was to have s*x, it would’ve happened already. We had previously established boundaries because we knew we would now work together. Our non-professional interactions happen outside of work and we DON’T talk about work while we are hanging out other than “How was your day?” in the past 4 months or so, the answers stay at “Busy.” or “It was good!“ or “Hectic!” Again, vague, because we spent too much time at the office to bring the stress with us too.

Matt and I have agreed to meet and talk about what’s next for us… will update you as soon as I can.