(I am OP)

I (39f) am estranged from my mom who lives in the same city as me. After a very tumultuous lifetime of emotional and verbal abuse, I finally had to go no contact for my mental and physical health when I was pregnant. I love my mom and I’ve tried all my life, but all I get when I let her in is heartache. For my own children and myself, I need to let my mom go.

I am often guilt tripped with “your mom won’t live forever.” I understand that people are trying to help, but we seem to deify parents in a way we would never do for an abusive spouse, sibling, coworker or friend.

Who I’d love to hear from are hospice caretakers. You’re objective observers who witness the final days, weeks and months of all types of people. I’m sure you see every type of family dynamic. Do people really change in their final moments when they know the end is coming? Do they feel a need to make amends? Do they hold their grudges? Do adult children come to see an abusive dying parent, and how does it go if they do? Or do they refuse, and if so, do you think we’re monsters for denying this final request?

I hope this is the proper place to post this, but I would really appreciate some perspective. In any case, thank you for all you do!

Edit: thank you everyone for sharing your perspective and your own stories. I have spent the past two days reading every single comment when I get some spare time. All of you are valid and deserve to be heard. Thanks so much for taking time to respond.