I have a seizure disorder. I have tumors in my head and cysts in various parts of my abdomen. Multiple parts of my personality or stuff I may not be good at can be connected in some way to my seizure disorder. I’ve had over 30 MRIs in my life to ensure everything is okay. In my adult life I’ve endured 1 tonic clonic seizure and around 7 or so ones after that. I’ve thrown my back out and dislocated my arm on separate occasions as a result of a seizure. I’ve been on and off a couple different drugs in order to try to get one that doesn’t sedate me and let’s me live life normally while getting me free of seizures.

I’m often scared to go to bed if I’m stressed because it’s at night when I have seizures. I’ve been so ashamed of this condition so much of my life. I’ve been angry, depressed, deeply sad and wishing I didn’t exist as a result of this condition. My mom had to endure so much when I was a kid because of this condition.. my entire family did. I will never fully be able to live with myself knowing my mom had dealt with so much and I shaped her having a kid into so much.. I was an epileptic, immature, neurodivergent, special education, kid with various other little conditions.

I’m 27 now and still feel such a guilt for what my mom has endured throughout my life.. I’ve been an angry child, sad child, ridiculously immature and before all of that I was causing her pain and heartache with medical condition related issues.. everything related to this disorder scares me so much. The results of the future does. I still have emotional breakdowns going into MRIs because of how scared I was as a kid going into one.

I wouldn’t wish this on anyone. The condition, the feeling of causing people you love to have dealt with so much crap, the guilt.. feeling so helpless at times.. none. of. if. I'm 27 and still scared of this condition in some way..