My Aunt died I can't remember what week anymore I think 2 weeks ago or something like that. But when I (16f) found out I didn't cry I mean I didn't even feel anything I just tried to comfort my mom and dad the best I could (i have autism so it's hard to really help when it comes to stuff like this) I talked to my dad I then slept with my mom so she wouldn't be alone. For the first to days after finding out I was just tired and eating alot. I would then check up on both my parents.

I think I just didn't really have time for it to set in since I was also forcing on my homework alot. But I would then tell my friends and they would say I'm just in shock and now they where probably right. I didn't really talk about it with anyone nor my friends since non of then are good at helping with stuff it's usually me who helps them.

But today was the funeral and I was mostly feeling nothing then I saw my mom and she was crying and I mean crying I tried to ask her if she was alright and she said not to worry. So I left it but I did ask her 2 more times since her friend was hugging her as she cried.

It then kicked in and I went to go hug my mom and I started crying because after 2 weeks it finally kicked in. Now I don't remember everything but here is what I remember.

Mom: wow hey why are you crying?

Me: it finally kicked in.

Mom: Don't cry your going to mess up your lashes and make up.

She started to laugh a bit I know she just didn't want me to cry because she doesn't like when I cry because she doesn't want me to get "sick" When she told me that I laughed a bit but it honestly made me mad when she does that. So I held in my tears and my friend just asked if I was ok and I said yea I'll be fine. Later on at night my cousin wanted to see a movie and I was going with them but then my Nina's older friend came in the room to ask me if I was ready I nodded but I started to cry and became nonverbal so he just hugged me and told to let it out.

My Nina, mom, brother and cousin them came in the room my mom and Nina and brother where no help at all they only made it wores because my mom and Nina said I'm making it worse because I had "sad" music playing. So we went to the movies I was then talking to my dad telling him how I'm practically not allowed to cry anymore and then my Nina said " You can cry but you just can't get depressed about it and not eat and be dramatic about it."

Like am I not allowed to also fucking greive am I not allowed to also cry!