I'm a 36 (F) and I have never known my mother. She gave up parental rights to my dad before I was a year old, so I don't know any of my maternal side of the family.

This eats away at me and I can't seem to get over it. My dad would rather never talk about it and I don't know anyone else who's been through this. My husband tries to understand and listen when I need to vent, but it doesn't seem to help anyway.

I feel like I'm in an endless loop of rage and desperation and I have to shove all my feelings deep down inside. I hate her, but I wish she would actually want me.

When I was in my early 20s, I received a letter from her saying I was dead to her and she never wanted anything to do with me. This was due to somehow being in contact with my half-sister that she LOVES. I honestly don't remember how I came into contact with her, but after that letter I obviously cut contact. I highly doubt it mattered to her anyway.

I'm sorry for the long post but I'm trying to stop being so angry and miserable in secret.