Since very young, the only thing I been good at was school. That was my only quality. Never failed a class. Never had issues with a teacher. Always the top and the leader. Graduated from high school 4.0 gpa and top of my class. Did all the extracurriculars—honor society, student government, JROTC. Then I came to college, and did fine the first years—but now, now I can’t anymore. I struggled to just get out of bed, if I do at all. I just sleep because everything else is too draining.

The world has changed colors, it has turned dull. Games don’t entertain me. Music doesn’t please me. Food tastes stale. Words have all blurred. Even the addicting scrolling has lost its charm. I don’t want to be here but I don’t want to be anywhere. I just don’t want to be.

And it’s sad. Because everyone had such hopes for me. First to go to college, get a full-on degree and make it out of our current economic class. But I can’t. I don’t have the energy to change the world like I wanted. And the worst part is that I’m not sorry. There’s not even the energy to do that. That’s when I want to be gone the most. Not because there’s some deep hatred or sadness. There’s just this emptiness that consumes me and I just want it over.

Thinking after graduation is like staring into a cloudy sky. There isn’t much. Just blurb. Even if I graduate, and somehow manage to get a job, isn’t my life just going to be depression again? Am I just going to be helplessly wandering around, wishing to just drop dead ? I been in therapy for half a decade. Under medication for the same time. And we always say it will get better. But today those words are blurred out. Sometimes I really don’t want to be.