The other week I got some great news and it was essentially the beginning of the end of a half decade long goal that I've worked hundreds of hours to achieve. I was ecstatic for a lack of a better term, so much so I physically jumped in the air and let out a decently loud exclamation which as a (what I believe) pretty quiet guy caught even me off guard. I went to tell my parents and they were super happy for me which I appreciate, but I feel that I have nobody to really share it with.

I seem to have an issue with this sort of thing as I've had to keep a lot of my feelings inside throughout my life as those feelings have never really been safe when I release them, they're always taken advantage of. An example of this would be with my high school friend group, they kept themselves entertained by poking fun at and ridiculing each other (as long as they were below them in the sort of group hierarchy) and anything was free game when it came to each other's personal lives. So I've never really had a relationship with someone where I can share what I really think, what I love, stuff like that.

But there comes a time where I need to release a bit, and I feel awful that the only people around that will listen to me are my parents and I feel like I'm such a burden to them as they've had to deal with this their whole life. This burden thing I have comes out with everyone that I meet, I'm always thinking about how I can make my presence pleasant and not the least bit a burden. This 'burden complex' as I've dubbed it is the leading cause of me wanting to move out and get out of my parents hair, but the point of me not having a release worries me, as well as my head being pretty loud and self analytical/critical, I feel like I'll go crazy. Hence why I believe the ideal situation would be to move in with someone I know, wether that be with a mate or a significant other. The later of which I'd much prefer, however the search has been pretty unsuccessful.

I really try to meet people though, I work every weekend and liaise with my coworkers. I post personal adverts here on Reddit, I use dating apps (sorta, they're more just an experiment to see how far I can get without paying lol), I am active in my university's games and eSports club and they're a great bunch of people and I attend in-person classes at uni and mingle with my peers who, since I'm in an IT degree, are a mix of really weird and pretty cool people of whom we share similar interests. Since I live a two hour commute away though, most of the time I'm in their company is either on campus or online, which is fine but I've never built a close relationship with someone in the two years I've studied at uni, close enough to share these details of things that are happening in my life, things I'm passionate about, etc.

I'm really not sure what I'm trying to get at here, or what I'm really expecting by doing this, but I really am quite stuck inside my head at the moment. I have moments like this where it's pretty loud in here and I dunno, I hoped venting into this text box and sending it off into the void would help. I appreciate you reading this, it really comforts me that someone out there has this insight into what's going on in my brain. So I guess that's why I wanted to send this out. I hope it hasn't come across as attention/sympathy seeking, just wanted to share. Thanks for your time! I hope you all have great days and get a good night's sleep tonight wherever in the world you are!