I'm posting on behalf of a friend, u/skyisdope , since it is not letting her post here.

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okay, I don’t even know where to start but I think this is gonna be a long one.

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a bit of background; I’m F23 and my parents divorced when I was like 2 or so, I don’t remember that. my mom was 23 when she had me, and she was practically alone with me, except her dad helping us out by letting us live with him in his apartment for few years on and off. we moved like 12 times from rent to rent, I went to 2 kindergartens and 4 elementary schools.

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my mom had a rough upbringing with her mom being abusive with her and her brother and even their dad, so not good environment to grow up in.

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she told me throughout the life that she was dreaming of having me since she was 15 because she didn’t have (and also wasn’t allowed to have) any friends while younger so she wanted a friend. she also kinda raised me in that way (there was also a time I remember when I was around 3-4 when she asked me to call her by her name and not mom but that didn’t last long because well she is my mom)

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we would tell everything to each other and I love her so much. we didn’t have much, but I was always fed and had clothes and I was loved. she fucked up a bit when she tried to date again because (her words) “she was trying to find me a dad” even tho I already had one. we didn’t see each other that often because he moved away from our city to one 5 hour drive away, but we would have phone calls from time to time.

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when I was 9 she was dating this guy who ended up being a junkie, she once caught him in bathroom with needle and she told me about it then (because of how she was telling me everything) and it escalated in them physically fighting (mostly him) and I just cried and watched my mom being beaten up. he didn’t touch me tho thankfully. it happened a few times that I’d wake up in the middle of night on my moms screaming my name for help.

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he had some connections on police so he was tracking all her calls and texts, so she decided to use mine to text her friend something along the lines “when it gets bad I’ll ring you and you please call the police” idk how she thought he’s not monitoring my phone as well, but he was. he came home and started yelling straight away. my mom somehow managed to ring the friend, she called the police, they came up (apartment building, 8th floor) in front of our door, where my mom was crying screaming again, and they knocked and rang a few times… AND LEFT. I tried to open the door but the guy pulled me away from it.

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they fucking left. I remember that as it was yesterday and I’ll never forget that. another thing where she fucked up was that she let ME (9yo kid) decide whether we forgive the guy or not. he came to me on his knees crying that he’ll never do that again. and of course I said ok, (I don’t remember if his apologizing happened before the police or after) when you tell a kid you won’t do something again, they will believe it with the innocence of a child. fuck I’m shaking as typing this.

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so it happened again and we ran away from him in the night, my grandpa (mom’s dad) came to pick us up and drove us to his apartment again.

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after this it was pretty okay, until I was 12-13 and she met some people, they would hang out at our place till late night, often disrupting my sleep. I didn’t realize there’s something wrong when my mom didn’t sleep that night and was able to stay up the whole next day.

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until I was 13-14 and came home from school one day, I opened the front door to our apartment and it got stuck over something, it was some kind of briefcase or whatever, I looked up in the apartment and there was some guy standing in the hall, I still didn’t think much of it because there were a lot of people coming to our place that I didn’t know. but then I noticed a police badge on his belt. so it turned out, one women from the group of people my mom was hanging out with did drugs and someone “has told on her” (I don’t know a lot of english expressions but I’m trying my best with describing what I mean). I don’t know what kind of drugs (probably coke) but my mom was using too, with them, and they were searching the apartment. they found only pot (she smoked and I knew about it too) but they didn’t make anything out of it because they were looking for something more (I don’t know if they even took it from her but I think they didn’t)

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so, again I don’t know what’s it called in english, but she wasn’t arrested, but got that thing where when you do something again, THEN you’ll go to jail. and I think that was her breaking point. she started to drink. at first it was innocent and kinda fun, but after some time she would become really sad while drunk and in the next moment she was suddenly angry. saying things like “no one loves me, why should I even be here” stuff like that.

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we would also fight a lot at that time, physically also. she would hit me when I was a kid too, but I think it was mostly for a reason (I don’t want to beat my kids when I’ll ever have some, I believe anything can be ruled out without getting physical) and it never leave a bruise or anything like that. but at that time, I was 14 - that awkward age where you feel adult but you’re not, but you’re not child either and everything annoys you. I just wanted to be in my room alone or out with friends and I didn’t care that much about my mom at that time and I think that was breaking her too.

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but her drinking was really hard on me too, and when it was time for me to choose which high school I’ll go to, I decided to go to different city and I’d be staying in a dorm. I think that didn’t help her too, but she never make it seem that something is bothering her because I know she just wanted me to be happy. I was also returning home every weekend but there she was drunk again so I couldn’t wait to go back again.

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I’m dealing with her for almost 10 years now, she was in rehab like 2 times but never lasted longer than few weeks and I kinda think it wouldn’t help her anyway because once she would get home she would get drunk again. and also, no one can help her if she doesn’t want to help herself first.

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when I was 18 and I had one more year of high school, I met my boyfriend. he moved in with me in an apartment so I got off the dorm. when I finished school, we moved to different town 5 hour drive from my hometown and I can’t say it got better or worse, it’s just still there.

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my mom was also diagnosed with some mental illness but I don’t know what exactly. she was living with her dad for the past couple of years too and he had to deal with her. he is 78 now and I think he just deserves peace after all the years he took care of us. he never had the hearth to kick her out and I can’t blame him. but it’s still the same over and over again and I’m exhausted.

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she’s not the reason I moved so far away, but she is the reason that I’m glad I did. there’s a time when I get multiple texts or phone calls saying “your mom is acting up again… she is embarrassing herself at the pub…” and it bothers me so much. I know she is my mom but whyyyyy do I have know about it???? just let me live my life.

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and since I got all the way here, I want to say that I feel like I’m not able to move on with my life while I’m dealing with her.

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it always upsets me so much when I hear her drunk and the next day she calls me apologizing and saying she knows she fucked up. and I believe her every time. and then she does it again and all my hopes are gone. I feel like cutting her off would help me, but on the other hand I feel like… how can I abandon my mom? she told me multiple times in my life that I’m the reason she didn’t ended it up yet.

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I already told her like 2 times that I’m done. that I will no longer talk to her and when I’ll come visit, I’ll only tell grandpa but I always chicken out and call her in a week or so because there are things that I want to talk about only with her.

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there’s probably a lot that I left out, and I feel like it’s long enough now for anyone reading this, but I’m happy to answer any questions you have.

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thanks for reading this was kinda hard to write, sorry for any mistakes.