One of my closest friends(let's call her Amy) committed suicide in the summer of 2020. We had been friends for almost 10 years, she had a pretty terrible family who subjected her to abuse of kinds including emotional, verbal and physical. We went to high school together although I don't remember her much because we never spoke and pretty much everyone who wasn't a notable person that I would see everyday is kind of a blur at this point. In 2010 she ended up dating an ex-friend/roommate(let's call him Bob) and this is how we became officially acquainted.

Now Bob and Amy had a pretty toxic relationship with them fighting constantly due to Amy's desire to spend as much time together as possible and Bob being a man child and obsessed with Battlefield everyday among other games on his PS3. So fast-forward to the beginning of 2014 and it is revealed that Bob was cheating on Amy with my ex(let's call her carol) shortly after I broke up with her which then caused a huge war. Amy is pregnant with Bob's child and Bob caused a huge uproar in response by threatening to kill himself which makes matters even worse. In the end Bob breaks up with Amy and calls his family and they help him move back up with them in Colorado leaving Amy behind still pregnant and 6mo pregnant to boot.

Now I start to develop feelings for Amy and I was fine with the fact that the she was going to have a kid since I am the product of a step parent myself. In the end, Amy yearns to try to make things work with Bob because she wanted them to try and be a family because of the baby. This scorns me a bit because I knew in my heart that Bob would only hurt Amy again but Amy refused to see the signs goes through it and I cut off contact with her. Then in the following year of 2015, one of my friends tells me that there are several craigslist adds from Bob trying to solicit men for sex and orgies and this is while Bob was with Amy. My friend then asks me if it would be morally correct to expose these findings for everyone to see on Facebook. I tell him that I cannot control what happens as I also wait with anticipation to see the ensuing shit storm that this was about to cause.

As expected this results in Amy being horribly scorned by Bob's actions I take a small bit of satisfaction in being proven right. However despite my being asshole, this does result in us talking again and I spend years trying to shoot my shot with her and her basically not taking me seriously at all which results in the death of the romantic feelings I had for her but our friendship was as strong as ever.

Now, fast forward again to 2020 which is the crux of this entire story. I am living in San Antonio TX, Amy lives in my hometown still with her family and with her child. Now Amy was a chronic pain patient and had been for several years following the birth of her son and was seeing a pain doctor for her pain. Now anyone who's ever had chronic pain or had someone who's a chronic pain patient knows that a pain doctor is just a glorified drug dealer.

Amy is getting medicine patches for her pain in addition to things like hydrocodone but these things were prescribed in short amounts and didnt completely give her the relief she needed which interfered with her ability to do a multitude of things for herself because the pain she had was debilitating because her spine was basically a pretzel at this point and she had shoulder fractures from 2015 that the doctors then refused to give her surgery for and they opt for physical therapy and pain management instead. So because Amy was in pain all the time and because she was running through her pain medications like water and usually when they were gone she'd have to wait like 2 weeks for refills, Amy decides to turn to the black market for help.

It started all started in 2016 with her sharing pills with a lady(let's call her Carol), so when one of them ran out of medication it was usually when the other one had a refill coming up so they'd get the refill and the one who ran out would take enough to last until the next refill would happen and then they'd start the process over again. Pretty efficient system in theory but it didn't account for the fact that both of these women had very aggressive pain was slowly becoming unmanageable with the amount pain medication they were both getting so the supply was getting short again for the both of them.

So once again the year is 2020 and Amy has a lot of pain in her body and the amount of pain medication she's receiving isn't enough to deal with it so Amy is buying weed and pills off of various people to try and compensate where her prescriptions are lacking. In the backdrop of all of this I am trying to get Amy to move to San Antonio because my hometown is considerably smaller and has less resources to help a woman in her condition. I'm also trying to get her away from her toxic family because the environment wasn't good for her or her child. She ends up rejecting all of the advice I'm trying to give her and she gets into a long distance relationship with someone living in the UK who was basically trying to rope her in a scam because he kept trying to get her to send money to buy plane tickets and it all sounded extremely sketchy. At this point I feel like shes wasting my time again and decide to kinda go no contact with her until she figures out she's being played and comes to her senses. This goes on for months from February of 2020 until July when I get a call from my adopted brother who was also very close to her, telling me she committed suicide. I am in shock; I don't know what actually happened but from what people have told me, she told her toddler that she had to go and she loved him and then apparently took enough of whatever she had to kill her and walked through the neighborhood partially naked until she dropped. It was very tragic to say the least, and I was in shock the whole time from when I found out about it to when I went to her funeral. It wasn't until after she was dead that I started experiencing feeling regarding her death.

I've been feeling a mixture of grief, anger and guilt. Grief that she is dead and I will never get to talk to her again. Anger at the fact that she left behind a son who will more then likely be forever traumatized by all of this and she has either condemned him to a life with her family who had traumatized her all throughout her childhood and her adult life as she was staying with them since the child had been born in 2014, or she's condemned this poor kid to be in the custody of his father. A man who threatened to kill both of them in a voicemail 3 years before because she was putting him through child support and this guy was doing nothing for his kid whatsoever for the entire time the kid has been alive but is now very interested in getting custody so he can get off the hook for child support and he just might get custody if he can convince the courts that he fit to raise this kid despite the mountains of evidence that have been brought against him by Amy's family. I also feel guilty because I think that if I hadn't gone no contact with her in the months prior, then I could talked her off the ledge she apparently was getting closer to the edge of. My adopted brother firmly believes she had completely lost her mind due to the pain and also trauma from her family and wasn't thinking clearly and thus was willing to buy whatever bullshit her UK boyfriend was telling her the whole time up until the point that she killed herself. I had also heard from other sources that she owed a lot of money to a couple of people that she was buying drugs from and that might have contributed to why she decided to commit suicide.

I honestly don't know what to believe I just know I have these feelings that won't go away and it's gotten to a point that whenever I hear her name I launch into a tirade about she was selfish and abdicated on her responsibilities to her kid and this usually starts fights usually between my adopted brother and I. Or if I think about her it's just nonstop rerun trying figure why she did this and resenting her because of what all of this has wrought and at this point I just don't know what to do anymore because I can't shake how I feel and I dont think about the good times I had with her because everything is muddled with grief and guilt and I feel like it's driving me insane. I can't talk about how I really feel towards Amy with my adopted brother because he doesn't wanna hear due to his rosy colored views towards her or if he does hear what I have to say he just ends up telling how wrong I am for feeling the way that I feel. That it I guess.