I just need to take this out of my chest. I am a 22y non binary person who was assigned female at birth. I have a huge chest and I had always knew about it. I will explain a little bit of my story but please, if rape is a fragile topic for you, do not proceed reading this. I will detail a lot of things just so you can get the history.

The first time it happened i was 3 and she was 5/6. I can't remember details very well. But i remember she using mud as lubrification. Years latter her dad got in jail. I just told my parents about it when i was almost 18. They breaked thinking their could never protect their baby from this. I can't blame then, although a part of my inner child tends to do a lot.

I don't know exactly what happened between the age of 3 till I was 11, when my boob stared to grow and i went to a new school. I stared walking with the males, i wanted to be seemed as a genderless person, so i only had then. Remember please, the only friend I had it was when i was 3 and she raped me, you can guess this is the type of friendship love my head was used to.

Then it stared to happen again. Daily. About 4 boys touching my boobs n ass. Was horrible.

Then it proceed happening. Girlfriend, boyfriend, then I got mentally abused in a church, then I got sexually abused again by a guy i was trying to trust, then a girl i was meeting try to do it again when i was 22, then my ex bf who was a very rude person tried to sexually assaulted me again.

You see, all my life has been about it. All I knew was rage and the hollow rape leaves you. All I could be wishing for is the taste of being revanged. Then it did. Last month I've heard that one of my rapist (the one from when i was 11y) killed himself. I can't recall what he used to say about my depression but I do know it wasn't something good. I always wished they knew at least a bit of the taste of what does it feel to be so miserable.

He did. Apparently he did not handled it well enough. I thought this would give me freedom, closure. It didn't. I had never felt more miserable in my whole existence. He is dead. I am alive facing demons he don't have to. I don't believe in hell or heaven. I don't think he is anywhere to be found. But I am.

I do wish his family get a good life, I really hope his family deal well with the grief. That they find peace and love. But I won't. Whenever my father tries to hug me I flinch. Whenever my brother held me in his arms I feel like dying. I am in a distance relationship rn for 4 months, my boyfriend is an amazing and caring person, totally different from any other relationship I had ever had, but I am scared i might never provide him sex properly because after all it happened I see myself as a assexual person and he knows that.

So yeah, he took his life but he also took mine before hand. He might find the peace I won't. For those who got till here, thank you for hearing me. I am in therapy for about 1y now, life still hard but it still enjoyable. I don't think that this will ever be a update but yeah, hope to see you someday while i tell about meeting my amazing bf.