Throwaway account for personal reasons. I always wake up with the aching feeling that I'm just not a real person, or that I'm not sure if the experiences I experience are valid. I'm 21/F and I work a full time bank job. The job is nice, and my coworkers are nice, but I always feel as if there's some sort of disconnect from what I hear about their lives and what my life is actually. I just go to work, come home, and work immensely on my hobby (drawing) and then rinse and repeat. I know in a distant dream, I'd like to be in a relationship or have friends, go out, or experience things but I literally cannot picture myself having or enjoying those things. It's not something I think about with myself, and the emotions I feel are all fabricated or on a level of fakeness. It always feels as if I'm watching and directing myself from outside my body.

Whenever sex/outside affection is mentioned or directed at me, my hands and limbs get numb and I get extremely uncomfortable since I don't feel as if my body is made to handle those responses. Whenever someone outside my coworker group tries to be my friend, I get confused since I'm not sure why they are interested in getting close to me. I'm not sure if it's introversion, or if it's something else, but in the end I just feel like nothing, and I'm not particularly happy or sad about the spot I'm in, but it's just made life feel different, I guess. 🤔