I (25f) have been super ashamed of this thought for months now and I need to get it out. I’m not sure that I love my family, I don’t feel nothing for my sister my brother and my mom except regret, anger and sadness..

I’ve been raised by my mom (who was 21 at the time) and my father (26), I’m the first child and was « born out of love ». Father was never present, find out much later that he was an addict, serial cheater, abuser, ect… He traumatised me in so many way (beating,insulting,mentally abusing, ect…). My mom finally left him when he beat the shit out of her one last time, I was 14 and had to call the cops and take my mom to go press charges. But he came back 3 days later and we (me 14, sister 10, brother 7) had to get through it. Father wanted to reconquer my mom by any means necessary and his genius idea was to be super nice all of the sudden. Didn’t work. So his second genius idea was to make only ONE of his children to love him more than we loved our mom so she couldn’t leave.. it was my lil sister (10 yo). He started taking super care of her, she even took the place of my mom in the parents bed... He even told us that she was her favourite child. At that time i was young and hated my sister for loving such a monster and not seeing what was going on, and she hated me for hating him.. Our relationship never recover from that, it worsen when mom got full custody when i was 16 and sis 13. Mom wanted to reconquer my sister so she became super nice with her. For exemple she never had to do cleaning tasks, she was able to decide which school she wanted to attend, ect ect ect.. when my sister had an addiction problem at 14 my mom was there for her, when i was about to tell my mom i had a boulimia problem she laugh about the fact that « i don’t want that under my fucking roof ».

I left the house at 21, when during a panic attack I yelled for the very first time and told my mom, who was yelling at me, to stop yelling. She proceeded to beat me with so much rage.. i couldn’t take it. I stopped her by blocking her hands, she completely lost it and started to go crazy on me, I was crawling on the ground begin for her to stop, my sister came and mom told her I tried to hit her, my sister blocked me so my mom could beat me.. my lil brother was watching and ..just by writing this I can’t stop crying.. i felt so alone.. so humiliated.. i crawled to my room and locked my door cause she was trying to enter by force. I left that day and found an appartment.

It was 2019 and for the first time in my life I felt home. It was a super tiny appartment but I could be myself.. and i though about all the abuse I have been through. I thought about the suicide threats my mom pulled out for nothing (if i didn’t behave at school, if Father did something wrong, ect..). I had to physically keep her from slitting her throat with a knife or jumping from the balcony when I was a child. I thought about when at 4yo I told her that the son of my nany raped me, fuck she didn’t do ANYTHING and continue to bring me to the nany, told her at 18 too that he rapped me, she ignored me. I though about the insult, the constent fatphobia, the beating, the slut-shaming, the homophobia, the fact that I don’t trust her, I don’t feel safe with her.

Now it 2022 and I saw a therapist, I have so many things to work on it’s really depressing.. i thought about just ending it.. but I know I still have time. I’m currently trying to do small talk on whatsapp with them because « we only have one family », and i’m truly scared of them, I don’t want to lose them and I’m also scared of what could happen if I just…leave. I want to work this relationship, I have to be the bigger person. I know we were kids and we were young, we didn’t know any better. We were never taught to communicate, I learnt that by myself and I should teach them.. I should sit them around a table and talk with them about all the shit we’ve been through, that we could be better and do better as a family. I should tell my sister that I shouldn’t have hated her, she was a kind child and deeply I loved her and was jealous. To my mom I should tell her that she did her best.. but .. idk if I want to be close to them.. wtf is my problem I only see the bad thing even tho I know we had good times.. My brain won’t stop bringing bad stuff and I have constant anxiety when I have to send a message to one of them.. idk what to do.. help