So yeah, it's pretty fucked up but I honest to God think a lot of my problems stem from this moment

When I was in 4th grade, I had a teacher who ill call Mr. Demon as it's close enough to his real name and a legit nickname he had. He absolutely should never ever taught children. He was a math tutor for a while but due to a shortage in teachers he made his way up.

There were multiple stories so bear with me as I'm on my phone and formatting is hard

First of all, i had a problem with my handwriting for all my life, I just move to fast and it looks like shit. I'd try to write as little as possible cause I hated looking at it and normally that just meant not showing my work but sometimes I forgot my name on my paper. Well one day he decided he had enough (didn't warn me, didn't implement better habits, didn't talk to my parents) so he pulled me up in front of class and basically held a roast for a good 15 minutes making ke feel bad about it. Asking if it was because I didn't know how to spell it, if I just didn't care, and just all sorts of stuff to make the other kids laugh. After all that was over, he took a sharpie and pretended to write my name on my forehead so that I would never forget it. In reality he just pressed the cap against me but I couldn't tell the difference at the time. Then made me show the rest of the class and they laughed cause nothing was there but at the time I thought it was all at me and it hurt so bad. I asked to go to the bathroom as calm as I could but as soon as i got our of the room I was bawling. I saw it wasn't there in the mirror but that only made me feel worse.

The next thing that fucked me up was when he tried to "fix" my problems with messy desks. My mother is a very hard working woman and can find everything but God she is such a slob, and that wore off on me. The only problem was she would clean up her stuff every once in a while when it got bad and the kids were out of the house. I never saw it so I didn't pick that part up. Well in school my desk was an absolute pig Stine and one day I couldn't find notes I needed so he dumped put my entire desk and actually gave me the teachers cupboard to use as a desk since it was much bigger. I thought it was kinda cool at first, but can you guess what happened? It g9t really messy cause he didn't change anything but how much I could fit in there. The same problem happened again except this time it was a paper that I needed to turn in f9r a big grade and I couldn't find it, so he again pulls put everything except this time he gives me an ultimatum. Miss a field trip per item 9r have it all get thrown away. He had a jar with field trip names in it that he pulled from. He threw away all of my papers, the test I was currently working on that he handed out that day, all my writing utensils and my fucking sweater. I had 3 in there and I kept the other two but he threw away my clothing. After it was all said and done, I think there were only 3 trips I was actually allowed to go on. I was devastated and was upset until I went home and told my parents when they asked where my sweater was. They obviously got pissed off and came into the schools screaming and wanted to get him fired. What do they do? They pull me aside from class one day, just me the principle qnd the teacher qnd ask me why my parents wanted him to be fired. They accused me of lying, making shit up cause I was bored, threatened to take away more privileges, all sorts of stuff because my PARENTS were upset over their actions. I then stopped telling anyone about what happened to me cause I thought I was just a fuck up.

To this day I'm insanely indecisive because I feel as if I'm always wrong, I hate every single person with power over me almost no matter what, and even just typing this out almost brought me to tears. All of this just because I was in the BREAK program, basically the bad kids who needed extra teachers, but not cause I was bad, cause I may or may not have ADHD and my mom decided she didn't care either way and loved me for who I was.

I so badly wanna go back to that school and just tell him how bad he hurt me, part of me wants to hurt him. Part of me is scared still, even knowing I'm now a grown man and way bigger than him, I feel scared. How do I get better? How do I get the clarity I so badly want? I don't know, I didn't even think it effected me until I was telling a friend about it and he told me how fucked up it was.

Thanks for making I this far, I could keep going but I dont feel like getting g emotional in my car at 5am